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Crotch Fulla Jorts #6

 

“I loathe narcissism,

but I approve of vanity.”

Diana Vreeland

There’s this new trend of internet rappers leading women around on leashes in Snap Chat and World Star Videos. It usually has some snazzy title like “#rapperwithtwowhitebitchesonaleash”. I’ve seen a few of these videos, and I gotta tell you, this is some 2016 shit I just can not get behind, or in front of. It’s a level of intimacy I’m not comfortable with. You can’t follow me around on a leash, lady, I need my gawd damn space.

Dave K. is a dude that I’m pretty sure is Daniel Day-Lewis in disguise. He’s an accomplished writer and pun philosopher. I met Dave through The Baltimore Rock Opera Society, a DIY theater company that write and produce their own original rock operas. Dave K. was charged with punching up the script for their Summer ’16  production, Amphion, a show the BROS produced once before in 2011. Dave was able to add much needed humor and emotional depth to a heady script that did not have a storybook ending nor a protagonist with all her limbs. Should you put a leash on a hash tag white bitch if she doesn’t have any legs? If you put a hashtag white bitch on a leash are you then responsible for curbing said hashtag white bitch? Didn’t a whole bunch of people fight and die so we no longer have to clean up behind hash tag white bitches? I’m convinced World Star is why Hollywood still makes slave movies.

dave-k

Dave K. sightseeing in shades with cigar, souvenir, and custom jorts.

What pairs best with jorts?

What pairs best with jorts, I think, is the humbling awareness that you are wearing something that was cut from a once-larger piece of clothing. That and low-top sneakers with ankle socks.

You were instrumental in rewriting Amphion and giving it a lot of its style and humor. What or who influences your writing? Have you written for BROS or any other company before?

I was on the script teams for BROS’ 2014 productions of Grundlehammer and The Electric Pharaoh, and I’ve done some script work with Yellow Sign Theatre, but Amphion was the most I’ve ever singlehandedly written for the stage. I generally write fiction, and my influences are pretty widespread: Ander Monson, Lorraine Hansberry, Michael Ondaatje, August Wilson, Philip K. Dick, Claudia Rankine, Edward Mullany. I could go on forever. Also, Baltimore has a lot of good writers in the community, and they inspire me as well.

Can you tell us a time when wearing jorts made you feel like you were changing the world?

I did my part for jorts by wearing them as a teenager during the mid-1990s, when jorts were absolutely not considered good or cool to wear. It warmed my little cynicism-deadened heart to see them come back into fashion recently. I don’t know if I changed the world exactly, but by wearing jorts against the tide of popular opinion, I kept them relevant in my little pocket of existence.

What’s next for Dave K.?

I have a bunch of fiction projects in the works, as well as a novella in the hands of a local publisher; hopefully that will be coming out later this year, or early next year. I’ll probably be in that BROS documentary somewhere, since I was unemployed when they began filming and thus heavily involved in renovating HQ/building Murdercastle.

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Crotch Fulla Jorts #4

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Sammy El, sassy in smoke gray, hand crafted jorts. His eyes say “Try Me” his finger says “Go on”. 

Samy El invented electricity…

But only between you and him. In his eyes. In the night.

-Justin Lawson Isett

 Sammy El, is a Fierce Creature in a zoo full of sleeping beasts; the fun aunt who wears pearls before six and sings poignant arias in response to some of life’s most difficult quandaries. He enhances every scene he’s in, simply by being there, and being the cinnamon superstar that he is. I had the honor of working with Sammy on an absolutely gorgeous play: Harry and the Thief. After the show my mother called to talk about how fabulous Sammy was, and how he was her favorite part of the show. This endorsement came without consolation for your poor narrator, her son. Sammy is conscious, and woke af, which means he’s always down for a good time but he ain’t dealing with none of your bullshit, which makes him a refreshing joy to be around.

How could one pull off wearing jorts to a funeral?

Wearing jorts in any situation is a lot like acting: you’ve got to make a bold choice and follow through on it. So put the “fun” in “funeral” by color coordinating your jorts with the rest of your outfit (ideally black; somebody did just die, after all). Mourning jorts should be a tasteful length (fingertip rule is a good one to follow) and have a clean, even hem. Cutoff jorts could be perceived as disrespectful to the dead, unless the dead was metal as fuck. You’re making a statement that’s like, “yeah, somebody just died, and that’s pretty sad… but like, peep these thighs, though.” Your jorts should give the funeral life.

What alcohol pairs best with Jorts?

When choosing which alcoholic beverage to pair with your jorts, remember that your unique sartorial choices distinguish you as the wild card of your social circle. No Bud Light Limes for you, my friend! Celebrate summer with a Ruby Redbird Shiner. This lightweight lager is almost as refreshing as feeling the wind on your sexy, sexy leg hairs. Plus, it’s made with tart Texas grapefruit, and as we all know, Texas is like the Mecca of jorts. Grab a shiner today!

Can you tell us a time you wore jorts and felt like you were someone else?

My first pair of jorts were cutoffs that I made myself, but I cut them way too high up so I was serving some Daisy Dukes realness. I classed it up with a nice cardigan though, so I was a really refined heaux that day. Everyone should own a pair of sexy DIY jorts. What is the question even?

Who’s more fortunate; the person seeing you in the jorts or you as the jort wearer?

As the jorts wearer, I know I’m sending a message to the universe. Especially with my distressed, paint-splattered pair of jorts. It’s almost as if I’m saying, “I’m here, I’m queer, and these jorts accentuate my pert rear.” (So pert. So pert.) Other days I’m a little more conservative with a pair of store bought jorts. I feel truly blessed as the jorts-wearer. Wearing jorts is like an exercise in body positivity. Eyes up here, fellas: I’m wearing these jorts for my damn self.

Do you have any projects coming up?

I’m working on Dial R for Robot at DC Fringe Fest. There are no jorts, but I do have to wear a pair of silver hot pants and we all know sexy robot is just a stone’s throw away from wearing jorts. That runs through July. Then I’m working on Brides of Tortuga with the Baltimore Rock Opera Society, which opens in October. What a year.

For info and tickets for Dial R for Robot follow this link: https://www.facebook.com/Dial-R-for-Robot-in-DC-Fringe-Fest-1782091592019596/. For info and tickets for Brides of Tortuga follow this link: http://baltimorerockopera.org/  follow Sammy on social media here:samygolightly@twitter; samygolightly@instagram; https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003339253918

Crotch Fulla Jorts #1

 

jorts #1

Melissa LaMartina, center, wearing her award winning jorts at Ottobar in Baltimore, MD 2549 N.Howard St. 21218 for Wet Hot American Summer theme party and costume contest. 

The jean short or “jort” was a revolutionary style of denim fashion ushered in by the 70’s era youth culture. Originally worn by burn-outs and hippies, the look was considered counter-cultural until it broke into the mainstream a few years later thanks, in part, to Catherine Bach, the actress who played Daisy Duke on the popular sit-com The Dukes of Hazzard.

Melissa LaMartina, star of Baltimore Rock Opera Society’s seventh full length original production, Amphion, plays Nasreen, a young lady betrothed to a man she despises while in love with the play’s titular character. LaMartina brings a ferocious zeal to the part and a soaring soprano akin to that of Heart chanteuse, Ann Wilson. She also has the best jorts in the business. That business, of course, being Maryland show business.

 You just won a jorts contest, can you tell us what you did to prepare for the contest?

I wore jorts that already had good vibes attached to them, since I wore them to shoot a role, my role in Camp Killer, which was a really fun experience. I was more concerned about dressing to fit the event and considered it a great success when I was told I looked like I should be one of the hippies in I Drink Your Blood. I wasn’t expecting to be a finalist in the contest, but I relied on my sick dance moves and jort-rolling abilities to cinch the victory.

Which is best, store bought or handmade jorts?

Handmade, no question.

Would your character in Amphion, Nasreen, wear jorts to the festival if she could, and if so, what would they look like?

I actually was recently saying to someone that Nasreen should wear hot pants like one of the dancers after her sexual and emotional liberation! Sadly, though, I think Nasreen would never even consider jorts a viable option for her. If she could wear them, though, they’d probably be covered in jewels.

Amphion, the newest original rock opera produced by the Baltimore Rock Opera Society is running its final weekend June 23-26 8p.m. Zion Lutheran Church 400 e. Lexington st. tickets can be purchased at this link: https://bros.tixato.com/buy/amphion  

 

 

This Is Cleveland

cleveland

 It’s all types of instability-

diapirs on cantaloupe terrain
and lunar phasings of the moment.
what’s the word, hummingbird? 
it’s the triptych: Rat’s call the holy demon,
son of sky,father moon,ghost of ocean’s argot.
It’s all big tickle, these chrome- plated girls
these storming machines who say
come on snakes, let’s rattle!
you’d better watch your salt tectonics

before you undercut the politics.

-Caroline Preziosi

Cleveland, a science fiction short play set in Ohio’s second largest city, explores the malady of suburban living. The play is funny, laconic, celestial, and absurd. Think David Lynch meets The Coneheads. The play, written by Mac Wellman, tells the story of a widowed mother’s fear that her daughter may not be fashionable enough to find a date for the prom. I went to senior prom with my high school sweetheart. Then, a year later, I went to prom with a close friend and won a dirt bike in the schools casino themed raffle. So yeah, I was prom king twice– you can suck an egg Jake Ryan!  Being in this iteration of Cleveland, produced by the Psychic Reading’s Late Night Theater Series has been an awesome process with some super cool friends and artists. Let’s meet them:

Carly Bales, Director: 

Have you ever been to Cleveland?

This is a play for only grown, sexy, and insane folks. Hope you can join me.

Cleveland Steamers, for or against?

I’m not gonna hate on the game, but, against. Yeah, they’re silly.

O.K.Thanks!

Uh huh.

Cricket Arrison, Mother:

When you hear the word Cleveland, what comes to mind?

Misery.

Cleveland Steamers, for or against?

I might give a Cleveland Steamer, if I can leave right after.

Johnathan Jacobs, Losin’ Susan:

When was the last time the Cleveland Indians went to the World Series?

The late 90’s . . .It was 1997.

Who did they play?

They beat the Bronx Bombers.

Cleveland Steamer. Ever have one?

No.

Dutch Oven?

Yeah, I think so.

Puerto Rican Lollipop?

I’m almost positive I have not.

Montreal Screw Job?

Vince McMahon?

Caroline Preziosi, Marta:

Ever been to Cleveland?

Yeah, I stayed within a five block radius of my friend’s house, so I didn’t see much while I was there. It was very relaxing.

Cleveland Steamers?

No opinion.

Would you give one?

I’m not against them, but, no.

What’s the other B in Air B&B?

It’s breakfast.

Martin Kasey, Panda Hands:

What do you know of Johnny “Football” Manziel?

He’s a football man.

Have you ever been to Cleveland?

I may have been to Cleveland, I can’t remember.

Cleveland Steamers, for or against them?

I don’t know what they are?

(I explain what a Cleveland Steamer is.)

Well, I guess that’s not for me, but, I don’t judge the Cleveland Steamer. Not for me.

As far as giving or receiving?

I don’t think I feel the need to give or receive it.

Madison, Joan:

Cleveland, What state is it in?

. . . O . . .hi . . .o?

Cleveland Steamers?

I’m for them happening to other people.

Do you inform the person or do you just try and sneak a Cleveland Steamer in there?

No, you definitely don’t sneak it in there!

What if the person wanted to give themselves a Cleveland Steamer?

That would be really impressive. I think I would stay and watch that. You have 20 minutes.

Sarah Jacqueline, Grizelda:

Kenny Lofton?

I can’t really speak with authority on Kenny Lofton.

He stole a lot of bases.

I know. I know!

Cleveland Steamers?

So, my friend, the first time she slept with a guy, recently, he just peed in her bed. Peed in her bed! She went on a second date with him!

Did he pee in her bed again?

YES!

Evan Moritz, The Man With the Wand:

This play,Cleveland . . .

Yeah.

What is it about?

It’s about, like, Sailor Moon girls and Babysitters Club stuff. It sorta reminds me of Sailor Moon and Babysitters club stuff, at the same time.

It also reminds me of Adventures in Babysitting?

Oh, yeah, Adventures in Babysitting.

What comes to mind when you hear the name Bernie Kosar?

Bernie Kosar: alien.

That works, because in the movie I am Number 4, there is a dog named Bernie Kosar and it turns out that the dog is an alien. Did you see I am Number 4?

No.

Cleveland Steamers?

Uh, I’m for em.

Rick Royer, Mayor of Cleveland:

Bernie Kosar?

Bernie Kosar was a quarterback for the Miami Hurricanes, drafted first round, for the Cleveland Browns.

Bernie_kosar

THURSDAY – SUNDAY, 10PM PSYCHIC READINGS | 219 PARK AVE MARCH 3 – 6 ONLY!
Psychic Readings Company’s LATE NIGHT THEATRE SERIES Presents…CLEVELAND by Mac Wellman | Directed by Carly J. Bales. Tickets are $10, $8 if you dress for the prom.reserve tickets ahead of time for this Thursday – Sunday at 10PM. HOW DO I DO THAT? Email ricroyer@gmail.com to reserve your tickets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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