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Crotch Fulla Jorts #16

“I work in three shades of black”

Rei Kawakubo

Designer & Founder of

Comme Des Garcons

 

A Haiku about Jorts ( Jortku)

Jorts are like children

You can make them, buy them, or

You can burgle them.

I only met Shawn Leverett a few time, two years ago, at Side Bar Open Mic before I tagged along with him, his wife-as-cinematographer, and a couple of comics from the DMV for a one day NYC open mic tour on a Wednesday. It was a strange trip with four stops at mics that ranged from promising to “Fuck this shit! I’m quitting comedy and become a shift manager at Boston Market!” We bombed some, we killed others, but mostly we all bonded. It was an exciting field trip in the school of comedy that I learned a lot from.

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Spare the jorts and spoil the child

You have a joke about a nigga being too strong for his job. Have you ever witnessed a nigga too strong for his jorts? 

Man, the first time I ever saw someone in real life with jorts was the time I saw a nigga to strong in them, too! I was in Atlanta and im just kicking it with a friend, long story short, we go to the mall to grab some clothes for the night and who’s the first person I see coming out the mall??? Kimbo Mother F’in Slice.. and the dude had on jorts! He must have know I was taken aback because I stopped walking and was just staring… thank god he didn’t whip my ass, lol! The thing is, I made a pair three weeks later at home.

You’re into the stock market. How can I get jorts to be a publicly traded commodity like corn, bacon, and sex slaves?

Damn corn, bacon, and sex slaves!!! All we’re missing now is Malcolm X before he went to jail. Jorts on the markets?!?!?! I mean textiles are publicly traded on the NYSE and on all major markets, so I think they already are, just in small corner waiting for a chance to explode back onto the fashion scene. If you want a more direct route we could go do a hostile takeover of Levis or something and produce only jorts, but me and you can discuss that privately.

What’s your jort journey like these days? 

I still have the pair of jorts i made all those years ago tho, and I’ve lost some weight recently, so i might just go make a new adventure in them joints!! Next time im in Cali I’ll rock’em, besides my Mexican homies trying to clown me I think they would help me find a good time..

 

Flint, MI, still doesn’t have clean water, but, like, how you think they doing on jorts, doe?

Im hoping they at least got jorts! At least they can look fly while their government fails the F outta them. Dog they transferred their water source to “save money” but since they been “saving money” nothing in the interest of public benefit has been created, restored, developed, or granted. which means the officials are keeping that $$$. Pay raises, paid time off, allotments, etc. Whats worse is we all see this consistently and chose not to act gotta work on keeping our eye on the ball as a society, myself firstly included, but I digress.

Now that Wakanda has opened their borders to the outside world, how will they be best suited to handle the inevitable jort invasion that will touch their culture?  

Actually M’Baku been wearing jorts since 03′, but as you know they made themselves outcasts so technically there not in Wakanda. I dont know if the people of Wakanda are ready for jorts. We try to wear light cloth, your genitals need to breathe especially when its 107 degrees outside, not to mention that sixteen pound dashiki/cape combo ole boy from get out was rocking.

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Crotch Fulla Jorts #15

“I don’t have any elaborate uniforms; I

come to the ring in a t-shirt,

some sneakers and a pair of (denim) shorts.”

-John Cena

alyssa
Alyssa as Jubliee in jorts

 

In 7th grade, I had a classmate named Tim Kelly. He was a light skin pretty boy who always had a fresh Fade with waves and never consorted with ugly girls, which was amazing, because in middle school everyone looks like a Fraggle Rock Muppet. He was a well dressed, smooth talking guy, who was developing into a typical East Baltimore lothario. So, I was shocked when one day in Home Economics, Tim bullied me. It happened so quickly and so long ago that I can’t remember the particulars except in the flurry of it all, Tim called me fat ( I wasn’t fat; I was husky. There is a difference.). He turned to someone and smirked and turned back to me. His smirk melted into a scowl. This was all so shocking, because I didn’t really know this guy, nor did I understand why this was happening to me. Most of 7th grade was a blur by 11th grade, but I’m pretty sure back then I was an asshole who dressed badly and said stupid shit. However, I didn’t expect any smoke from Tim Fuckin’ Kelly! He was a bootleg Chris Brown. If this high yellow son-of-a-bitch though he was gonna get a rep off a skinnin’ my hide, the nigga had another thing coming! I wasn’t a violent guy, but I was coming into my sexuality and I figured pretty early on that girls are not going to let you finger them if they see yo ass runnin’  from a fight. Now, you can lose a fight and still at least get some over the sweater action, cause you brave and shit, but cowards don’t get desert, yo.

Kelly and I squared off and went into a lock up. Kelly put me in a headlock, and walked me over to the teachers desk. He slipped his forearm over my noggin, and banged my head against the desk while his forearm took all the bumps from the desk top. I worked my way out of the headlock, stepped behind Kelly, and charged him to the ground. While on the ground, I put Kelly in a headlock, and just as I went in for a series of skull punches, the Home Economics teacher came in whipping a three foot yard stick around like a coked up witch stirring a cauldron, before sending us to the principals office with write-ups.

The fight had two distinct characters: Tim Kelly, Heel (bad guy wants to beat up fat  husky kid), Me, Babyface (good guy doesn’t want to not finger girls), three spots, maneuvers (lock up, head bang, headlock) and a swerve, surprise finish (teacher comes in and attacks both fighters). These are all the elements you need for a good wrestling match. I hate violence . . . unless it’s highly stylized. I guess that’s why I love wrestling and why in the only three other fights I’ve been in, I always used a signature WWE wrestling move. I tried to put a camp mate in The Boston Crab; I’ve used the Randy Savage Elbow on a teammate, and as a 28 year old, I used the Hulk Hogan Atomic Leg Drop on another dude from the top of a porch.

I stopped watching wrestling after the “Attitude Era”. I didn’t know a lot of people who watched it and I didn’t have cable, so it was hard to keep up with. I kinda kept tabs on it, but, I got back into it a few years ago, when I started doing stand up, and I discovered so many comics were wrestling fans and highlights are available on YouTube. Now, I can talk about wrestling with my comedian friends, while I wait to bomb at an open mic, in front of my comedian friends. One such comedian friend is the amiable Alyssa Cowan. A recent Baltimore by way of D.C. by way of Nevada transplant, Alyssa is a conversational humorist who runs a precious podcast called Letter Talk, where she writes, receives, and reads letters to and from corporations and acquaintances. You should check it out; its dope. Alyssa also knows a thing or two about John Cena and jorts.

Why does John Cena wear jorts?

Cena acknowledges the utilitarianism of jorts. They are for the man who wants to ensure the safety of his crotch and ass with thick work material, but knows that his calves sweat like a mutherfucker, and must be aired out to avoid getting athlete’s calves (which is ten times worse than athlete’s foot). He also wears jorts to pay homage to his fellow white men who have fallen in the war against wearing shorts to workplaces.

What do you think his legacy has done for the integrity of jean shorts?

Cena’s jorts have definitely legitimized wearing jorts well into the 2010’s and longer into the future. Without jorts heroes like John Cena, people would be forcing their loved ones to sew extra denim on the bottom of their shorts, and jorts wearers all across the nation would live in fear of having to cover their shins.

There are no iconic lady wrestlers who wear jorts. Is there one who you think could benefit from a jort makeover and how would it help them in the long run?

Sir, I beg to differ and defer to Mickie James during her run in TNA. While I totally understand that Mickie’s run in TNA isn’t as known as her work in WWE, I would definitely say that she’s an iconic lady wrestler. Maybe one of the problems here is that we don’t pay enough respect to Mickie James’ jorts run as we should. Maybe they should have named the “Wrestlemania Women’s Battle Royal” the “Mickie James Jorts Battle Royal” instead. But to answer your actual question, I think Tamina Snuka could really benefit from a jort makeover. It would really boost her profile on the roster, and get her a lot more airtime. Can you imagine how majestic it would be to see her deliver a Samoan Drop with giant, knee-length jorts flapping in the wind? That’s poetry in clothing form.

Between John Cena, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Raven these men have won a combined 62 championships in jorts. There is an obvious connection there. How did the power of jorts help elevate these men to championship denim greatness?

Not only do jorts contribute mightily to the self confidence of the jort wearer, but they build a sense of self actualization in these men. Wearing jorts allow them to be their true selves, and thus fueling the mental engine in their brains telling them to succeed. Without hindering the movement of their ankles or cankles, jorts additionally bring the range of motion needed to enter intense combat. From a spiritual, practical and emotional sense, jorts are the ultimate lower body weapon. In fact, we may need to examine why these men have not won more championships with jorts. It may be worth extrapolating this data to see how many championships would be won if more athletes in pro wrestling, and in every other sport, wore jorts.

Crotch Fulla Jorts #14

“Guys will take one pair of jeans, five t-shirts

and three pair of socks

and that will get you by for ten weeks.”

-John Bon Jovi

Yesterday a woman was walking so hard and fast behind me on the sidewalk, in Fed Hill, that the incessant clicking of her heels on the cobblestone made my neck and arm hairs bristle. The pace and intensity of her walk made me suspect that perhaps, she was, or, we were being aggressively pursued by a heavy set, peg leg, Adderall induced flesh peddler, looking to replenish his underground sex slave roster. I felt at any moment this amateur speed walker’s gait would feverishly prevail my course, and influence my loss of balance. She might, with her incessant force of will, stir up a gust of wind so violent that it would thrust me unwittingly into oncoming, two-way, a.m. traffic. The thought of my impalement via 2010 Chrysler Sebring stirred in me a deft panic. I had to get away from this woman and the tremulous path she beset upon us, that morning, on Light St. I ran. Only stopping once I reached the corner where my gym was about a quarter mile out from where I started my impromptu jog. Deterred, yet still standing, I filed my coat and sundries into the locker and changed into my workout gear, chest still throbbing through my vintage Charlotte Hornets t-shirt. Once I reached the weight room I glanced an older gentleman doing dumbbell raises in reading glasses, off white wife beater (with black suspenders), black off brand trainers, and a pair of frayed homemade Arizona brand jorts. My heartbeat instantly regulated. I unfurled my brow for the first time since leaving the house and it was at that moment a sense of peace washed over me in an awesome wave.

Comedian Kevin Tit is based out of D.C. and is a super chill comic and musician. He’s a refreshing add to any line up and a great get. CFJ hung out with Kevin and asked the hard questions.

Who is someone in politics who could benefit from a good jorts makeover?

No clue. At all. None.

Who’s your jean short Champion of Courage?

The Texas Rattlesnake. Stone Cold Steve Austin. 3:16.

What has been your greatest achievement in jorts thus far? 

Simultaneously being roasted for the $8 SEARS above the knee, hemmed, “Dad” jean short and making them fashionable among my peers. (I still have those Jorts but they’re completely out of commission)

What contributions did Tobias Funke makes to the integrity of jeans shorts?

Tobias took the surface level appeal of jean shorts and made everyone whose ever had an opinion on them take a step back and really reflect on themselves.

Vikki Vicars was the first female to skate vert in 1978 and she did it in jorts. 

Cos she rips! Its a good look for the movement!

The jorts movement or the vert movement?

Hell yeah!

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Comedian Kevin Tit wearing jorts and staying hydrated in true punk fashion.

 

Crotch Fulla Jorts #13 (Reaching levels no elevator ever will)

Photo on 4-6-12 at 1.40 PM
Cats may have 9 lives but jorts are forever.

 

“Well, these jeans are shot;

let’s give em another pass!”

-Brandon T. Gorin

I do stand up comedy. I host open mics and trivia shows. I’m a theater actor and I just featured in an online commercial for Blunt Power Air Freshener. Some people call me a renaissance man while most people think I post too many fliers on Facebook. When you do this much performance work people always want to know why you do it and what your end goal is. Up until a few weeks ago, my only reason for doing all this work was because without it, I’d be home everyday, after work, in bed by 4:30p.m. That was until I discovered the Viceland show, Flophouse. It’s stand up comedy in some of the most gruesome, filthy, dilapidated houses, on the west coast. A lot of the houses are huge estates which domicile up and coming comedians, many of whom perform on the docu-series. I love the crust punk aesthetic in combination with the intimacy and warmth of a captive audience in graffitied dining rooms and former chapels, facing a stage which might be dressed with a urine stained mattress, emblazoned with a giant spurting penis. One of the featured comic was a homeless alcoholic for two years, telling jokes on the street and drawing portraits, before he saved enough cash to move into a tiny $200 a month closet, in a bay area mansion occupied by as least fifteen other stand-ups and musicians. I don’t want to get gout while I’m chasing my dreams, but I’d risk it to be on the next season of Flophouse.

Eric Dadourian is a Baltimore comedian by way of L.A. who has the distinction of being the only comedian featured on two episodes of Flophouse. Eric is affable with a conversational style of wit that is both engaging and guileless. Five months ago, he told a one liner about getting kicked out of a library because his sweater was too loud that I think about and laugh at every ten days. When I first met Eric he was wearing faded cut off jorts, a vintage Lakers Starter jacket, and a pair of oversized glasses with one arm missing. I figured he would be either very funny or the star of his own Viceland show. Either way I was pretty spot on. Shout out to me!

What makes jorts more special than non denim shorts? 

First of all, jorts are more special than non denim shorts because jorts seem more improvised, more radical yet classic, and the little fringe that is created by the denim makes it seem so spontaneous. Non denim shorts do not have spontaneity.

How do we make a world where we can casually wear jorts to formal events?

A world where we can casually wear jorts to formal events is based on trust and acceptance. Those who do not wear jorts to formal events must trust those who do and know that wearing jorts to your formal event is the ultimate tribute.

Who is your jort Champion of Courage? 

One person I look up to, in jorts, is my cousin, Glen. He is a very snappy dresser and he will throw on his jorts and stride into our family gatherings like beam of sun, and he just lights the place up with his great outfits that always showcase the most very cool jorts.

When was a time where wearing jorts made you feel special?

I remember there was this one time when I hit the road, as a youth, on Greyhound bus, going on cross country road trip. I was wearing nothing but a crop top and low riding jorts (no underwear), and I just felt like a snack and a powerful prince at the same time.

What accessory pairs best with jorts? 

A crop top. Crop top and jorts are the burger and fries of fashion.

Eric has a wonderful podcast up on spotify and itunes called Groomzillas, its about weddings. 

 

 

Crotch Fulla Jorts #12 (the denim dozen)

jason weems pic 3
When Comedian Jason Weems isn’t holding down the laughter he’s holding up the wall.

“It’s hard to appreciate new things

if you don’t have the proper outfit to wear”

-John Waters

From the film Pecker

Did I miss an NAACP meeting where we as a people decided we’re all going to buy Bluetooth speakers and start playing urban music, from the past half century, everywhere we are, as loud as possible? Because that was a meeting I shouldn’t have missed. I love my people. Our zest for life, and our uncanny ability to make every moment our moment, for better or worse, is the true glory of being Black. But, for reals, doe, I don’t want to hear your Kirk Franklin remix of the latest inscrutable Young Thug SoundCloud hit, on a bus stop. Also, if I want to hear the Temptations Psychedelic Shack bully its way through a cheap speaker, I’ll just hang out in a Goodwill or listen to it privately through my Bluetooth earbuds. I have the Temptations greatest hits on Spotify because I’m about 40 years old and when you’re about 40 years old, you casually listen to The Temptations. Another thing I don’t want to be a party to: listening to you rap along to your wack ass demo. Unless, of course, your demo got a feature from my mans J. Weems a.k.a The Beige Power Ranger. Dude is dangerously funny. He had a woman legit laughing in tears then flat out convulsions. Weems so funny God tried to call him home early for an ethereal comedy jam. I think the big eye in the sky wanted Weems to open for Richard Pryor. But no, God, NO! We need Weems here to make more movies, dispense more good ass jokes, and most importantly to talk about jorts!

When was the last time you wore jorts and what were you doing in them?

The last time I wore jorts was probably around the time Menace II Society dropped, and I was most likely running from a loose neighborhood dog. I ran from hella dogs in 1993.

Who are some jean short idols of yours?

All of Jodeci and H-Town. Listen to their music and you’ll understand why.

Which are better, store bought jorts or homemade jorts? 

I’m gonna check the homemade box. That way you get a 2 for 1. You start with jeans and cut them when you’re good and damn well ready.

How would you instruct a noob on how to make jorts? 

Slide them jeans on, mark your cutting point & go to MF’ing work. But be sure to take them back off first. I’ve seen many men bleed out right before my eyes like this.

How are jean short jumpers from the 90’s different from the man romper craze that touched the culture earlier this summer? 

Jean short jumpers were still worn and embraced by the hip-hop community, while man rompers will get you shot on site. Most likely by the hip-hop community.

Where do you see the future of jorts?

I’m not sure but I know that Kanye and possibly Lil Yachty will be leading the charge.

jason weems pic 1

You travel a lot for comedy. Which city has the most jort credibility? 

Charlotte, NC. Why do you think Cam Newton is down there? It ain’t for fuckin’ football.

Which city should just say no to jorts?

Juneau, Alaska. Self explanatory.

How important are jorts to the beige community? 

The beige community has cut back on our jort consumption to focus our efforts on fatigue shorts & other short pant situations.Our current beige jort ambassador is Terrance Howard.

 

 

 

Crotch Fulla Jorts #11

violet gray
At this bar, there is no doorman. To get in you must correctly guess how many cigarette butts are in this flowerpot.

 

Stand up comedy is a fickle lover. One night you’re rocking and rolling, opening for a national headlining act, in front of 3000 people and the very next night your performing in a bar basement for a party of one and the waitstaff. Either way, a job is a job, and you gotta make with the funny. In the former scenario the odds are heavily in your favor, however, in the latter, you got some heavy lifting to do. Comedy is a numbers game. It’s easier to make 1:3 laugh than it is to make 1:1 when you’re in front of  a mixed bag of “randos”. Next time you’re at a house party try it out.  Sports are also a numbers game but I don’t know how that works, because, I passively watch the shit in bars, on mute, at open mics, while im waiting to dispense with the yuckles, so I don’t always know what’s going on as there is no voice-over present to explain it, thus.

It’s called a voice-over in sports, right?

Comedy is so tenuous that any misstep usually overshadows any victory, no matter the disparity. One great show will make you feel as though you are standing in the shadows of greatness, ready to feature for Dave Chappelle, while a “not-so-great-show” will have you considering an alternate future in Medical Coding and Billing.

Usually, at a woefully under attended comedy show, the comics objective is to make the bartender laugh. Bartenders never laugh. Maybe they’ve heard your jokes a hundred times before. Maybe they’re too pissed off thinking about all the money they’re not making because fifty per cent of their clientele is onstage talking about airplane peanuts. Or, perhaps, it is because the bartender is only programmed to laugh for tips. Bartenders do not laugh at jokes that aren’t theirs, ever.  I think it’s because they’re always trying to look mysterious and sensual. How you mysterious and you all over Tinder and Bumble snitching on yourself? Stop trying to give me tantric Sting eyes and make my damn Tom Collins, already.

I’ve seen comedian, Violet Gray, in almost every conceivable comedy show iteration and every time she murders. EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE MURDERS. I watch Violet perform and think to myself, ” The wrong people are famous.” I was at a show and Violet Gray did 20 clean minutes of A+ material, made everyone Brass Monkeys, and christened a white baby. You know you special when your Black ass out here Christening white babies in a post Obama America.

There was a woman’s only screening of Wonder Woman. How would it affect the zeitgeist if there were a jorts only screening of Thor Ragnarok?

It depends. If people only saw the first screening of Thor in jorts, your average viewer might wonder what’s going on. But if people KEPT seeing Thor in jorts eventually a sort of mob mentality would take over and other people would start doing so too!

Better World Wrestling jort champion, Stone Cold Steve Austin or John Cena? 

I’d have to go with Steve Austin. You definitely show off jorts better because the belt-to-knee area of the body is what’s focused on when you Stun someone. You kick them then you land on you butt while you execute, and the jorts are fully visible throughout the entirety.

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Stone Cold Steve Austin (R) holding a beer and looking stunning in jorts versus The Rock.

How does Jean short dick bulge affect the integrity of jort culture?

For the most part? Not so much unless you’re packin’. But if you look like you’re smuggling a Maglite people will be more focused on that than the make of your shorts

As a comedian where do you stand on the whole “Don’t wear shorts on stage” rule? Does your style affect your delivery?

It depends on what sort of image you want to project to the audience. If you want to come across as a guy who wears shorts a lot, then it helps to wear shorts. But I’d say my onstage persona affects my style.

How so?

It starts with the core of my personality and radiates outward, the final detail being my outward appearance.

Are jorts a deal breaker or deal maker for you?

Neither. The jorts carry the value their owner fills them with.

Where was the last place you wore jorts and how did it affect you? 

It’d kind of hard to remember, because I’m pretty sure I wasn’t 10 yet. But seeing as that wasn’t the moment I plunged into a life of jort-based crime, I’d have to say it didn’t make or break the moment.

To find out more about Violet Gray and keep up with her busy tour schedule please follow her at Violetsilver on Twitter, Chaoticviolet on Instagram. 

 

 

 

 

 

Crotch Fulla Jorts #10

101

“Before you get dressed, ask yourself if

you would wear that outfit in prison.”

-Young Jeezy

Ten minute plays are a cheap, fast, and easy way to showcase a variety of voices and styles, in the theater community, within a reasonable block of time. It’s a cool way to get the most amount of culture with the least amount of confusion. The strength of the ten minute play is that it fits comfortably between the comedic sketch and the one act play. However, a 10 minute play isn’t as desperate to make you laugh as a sketch, nor is it as nebulous as a one act play; which could stretch anywhere from 25 to 75 minutes and involve your dad’s girlfriend yelling about the NEA budget cuts and how president pumpkin head is a tiny hand man-baby with the caustic smile of a pedophile. That’s not even the play, bro; that’s just her pre-show speech. The play is about the difficult time she had trying to buy designer curtain rods from a misogynist clerk at Home Depot. See . . . confusing. I’ve written a few 10 minute plays and they typically follow a strict formula: two guys, usually close friends, set in a bar; they both need each other to carry out a favor to make their lives better, one favor is outlandish while the counter favor is more pragmatic, tons of transgressive language and urban surrealism abound. It all ends with a call to action and involves multiple Prince references. I’ve also acted in a number of ten minute play festivals which have often felt like waking up in an infirmary on Acid. Just imagine, for ten minutes you’re a hobo who can see the future and thirty minutes later you’re a six foot sausage giving out marriage advice, while you’re roasting in a cast iron skillet. Through my experiences, I’ve been fortunate enough to travel the east coast, do some kooky short theater, and meet a bunch of awesome artists along the way. So awesome they took some time out of their busy schedules to talk with me about theater shorts and jorts.

Libby Emmons, playwright, Co-Creator of Sticky immersive ten minute plays set in bars around New York City

How are jorts like 10 minute plays?

Jorts made from jeans are not like 10-minute plays, because 10-minute plays are not excerpts cut from full lengths. Jorts that are made to be jorts are like 10-minute plays because they are meant to exist on their own, with barely a passing reference to their full-length counterparts.

As a writer how do you make the adjustment of telling a story in 10 minutes versus two acts? 

10-minute plays are for 10-minute stories. When writing a 10 minute play, I find a story that can be fully told in 10 minutes. If the story can’t be told in 10-minutes, well then that’s not a story for a 10-minute play.

Have you ever worn a jort that made you feel artistically inspired? 

I have been artistically inspired to make jorts. I made a pair once that used a vintage 1970’s crazy orange paisley scarf for the hem. I used to have a short skirt I made from a pair of jeans, and I wore them for several summers, and have rarely been happier than while wearing that skirt.

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A Portrait of the artist as a young jort wearer.  Libby pictured third from the right in a curb fulla jorts.

Justin Lawson Isett, playwright, Social Media Coordinator Fells Point Theater Company Baltimore, MD

What’s the appeal of the 10 minute play?

They’re appealing because they’re noncommittal. They’re like the Tinder of theater. You don’t like it, it’ll swipe itself left soon enough.  It’s really good for people who can’t commit to a longer story.

Jorts are a by product of jeans, but where did 10 minute plays come from?

10 minute plays are written by playwrights, sometimes stories are this cool little thing that happens. I started my first ten minute play from one line “Cancer’s fucking Cancer.” I just wrote some lines after that.

Can you hook us up with a three line play about jorts?

JORTS

Jorts: You should wear me. You’ll look great. I make your booty pop and the ladies love it when your booty pops. That girl at work will like you. She’ll stare at your jorts and then stare into your eyes and say “I always loved you” and you’ll say “I know” because you really liked Star Wars as a kid but she won’t get the reference so it’ll just sound cocky but she kind of likes cocky dudes because her father was never really sure of himself then she’ll run into your arms and hold you and you’ll feel ok that you dropped out of college and work a mid manager job because you’ll have found love.

 MAN

You promise?

JORTS

No.

JustinJorts
Jort collage created by and featuring renaissance man Justin Lawson Isett.

 

Rachel Hynes, Teaching Artist at ETC: Educational Theater Company, Arlington, VA. Poetic story teller, performance artist, devised/physical theater artist, D.C.

Can you tell us a poetic story about jorts?

I owned jorts when I was in 7th, 8th and 9th grade. One time, I wore a skirt to a school dance, because you were supposed to try and be pretty, right? It was such a cool outfit, they were my prettiest clothes. I showed up at the school dance and EVERYONE WAS WEARING JORTS (but it was the olden days, so we called them Jean Shorts) and I wasn’t dressed like everyone else and I wanted to die inside and I sat on the curb in my skirt, trying to make sure no one saw my underwear and dying and I made myself miserable because I was twelve and I didn’t know that fun came from the inside, not from your fucking JORTS.

Are you still into jorts?

Actually, I’m a big fan of the onsie.

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Rachel, leader of many in mini jeans.

Ali Ayala. Director, Co-Creator of Sticky: immersive ten minute plays set in bars around New York City

What would be the major conflict in your play about jorts?

Arguably the most offensive clothing item on the planet since Daisy Duke stepped out of the General Lee and Tobias Funke permanently donned a pair as a never nude.The very existence of jorts is conflict enough for any play, but here are a few potential plot lines:

Customize Your Jorts: From Trashy To Trendy. A local boutique owner sets out to do the impossible and make jorts fashionable. Will our hero succeed or will she be shut down by the towns decency council–my money is on the council.

Jorts: The Relationship Breaker. Forget the fatal couples trip to Ikea, Alice and Andy are breaking up over Andy’s refusal to stop wearing jorts in public. What begins as a seemingly understandable request devolves into an epic battle that may end in murder. (note: the plays setting is also in an Ikea.)

Jorts Only!: The new bar in town has a strict dress code–just jorts. No plot summary necessary. Hilarity ensues. Conflict inherent. Partial nudity required.

 

Have you ever directed a play in jorts?  

Short answer: never.

Long answer: never.

Wearing jorts is acceptable for one activity and one activity only: cleaning your bathroom. I do not recall when I first came to hold this unwavering belief , but I do know I am a better person for it.

ali
When she’s not taking down jorts Ali Ayala (right) also enjoys taking down shots with good friend and creative partner Libby Emmons.

 

To find out more about upcoming projects from the artists featured in this article you should follow them on their social media and websites: 

Justin Lawson Isett at https://twitter.com/Justinisett

Libby Emmons & Ali Ayala at https://li88yinc.com/ 

Rachel Hynes at http://www.rachelhynes.org/

Crotch Fulla Jorts #9

sam jorts
In this edition we rifle through comedian Sam Kelly’s jorts and find out what’s blooming.

“Style  is not lusting after someone because they’re cool 

Style is loving yourself ’till everyone else does too”

-Prince

In the world of comedy everyone has a day job. Whether you’re a superstar comic, a road comic, and especially when you’re an amateur comedian; you have another job that supplements your income or at the very least keeps you busy and out of trouble. I mean, in the stand-up world you’re only really working thirty minutes to an hour a day. So, yeah, you need to find something constructive to do to occupy your time and stay off the pipe. It’s also conducive to the eternal quest we comics embark upon to become funnier. Picking up writing jobs for sit-coms and late-night t.v; producing and writing a nationally revered podcast about your past demons and present cats, cameos in movies and Law and Order Spin-offs. Voice over work as a cartoon dog. These are some of the more lofty day jobs that correlate with the entertainment field and thus retain an air of glamour. The kind of day jobs that don’t really feel like work, unless you’re Doug Stanhope–that dude hates everything.

Comedians usually mine their own lives for material, so it’s best to be active in the world to keep the jokes refreshing and personal. A jerk off joke is pretty standard fare, but a jerk off joke set in the unisex bathroom at a new finance job is way more scintillating. Also, when you’re a slash bartender, you can easily harass  convince your boss to let you run an open mic and get some practice reps in during Margarita Mondays. I’ve known comics who were ministers, life coaches, chefs, window washers, and personal trainers. I’ve also known comics with far less glamorous yet way more salacious jobs, usually in the sex industry. I’d like to see a stand-up pimp comic. That feels like it would be hella funny. A pimp once came to an open mic I performed at. He called himself, Pimp God. He was sipping cognac from a red Solo cup and kept yelling about how he had never heard of a place called the friend zone. The nigga was wearing five different outfits at once. An applejack hat, Lugz boots, velour track pants, an assortment of dingy gold rings and chains, and a soggy London Fog rain coat. It had not rained that night. This impudent flesh peddler had a small army of wide, square booty bitches, in floral mini dresses, who were comely and smelled like vanilla bean and hair gel. Had we told him what the friend zone was that night, he would’ve no doubt done a spit take of his Hennessy, while cackling with laughter as he called us all a bunch of faggies.

I have a close comedian lady friend. She’s not a square booty bitch–I mean she is, but she doesn’t give up the square butt for bucks– she’s a phone star. A phone star is exactly what it sounds like. She brings men to completion over the telephone. Every once in awhile she calls me. She practices on me. She say’s “Mike, what’s your phone star fantasy?” “Oh, that’s easy: slutty talking animals–hey, it worked for Walt Disney. I wan’t you to make dolphin sounds while I pleasure myself and hum a few bars to “Under The Sea” from The Little Mermaid soundtrack.” My friend, Sam Kelly, is a comedian and phone star, but not the aforementioned square booty phone star from three sentences ago. I know several phone stars, personally; you jelly? You should be. Sam has been doing comedy for about three years and specializes in turn of phrase punch lines, puns, and double entendres. All skills which make her as funny and filthy on stage as they do on land line.

As a phone star, what story does the top left image evoke?

If looks could kill! You don’t want this sultry brunette to shoot you down. If you think she’s going to cock anything but a pistol, she’ll give you one final ‘bang!’ for your buck. She is a revolutionary. Realizing that a firearm is the ultimate equalizer between male and female. Even The Don himself wouldn’t dare grab her by the pussy in those jorts.

Can you share a time you had to make a major decision in jorts?

I was 14 wearing jorts at my best friends house and I had to decide whether I was going to throw up at his house, or on my way home after all the Russian vodka our pubescent livers imbibed.

What did you end up doing?

Throwing up on my walk home because he came out as gay to me and I had a crush on him and it was totally awkward emotionally between us. Then I went home and puked non-stop for an hour and lied to my parents that I got sun poisoning. My jorts were still fresh as fuck though!

Were the jorts handcrafted or off the rack?

Handcrafted fo’ sho’ !

Noice. So you didn’t spew on your jorts then?

Lol. Nope! Surprisingly.

Heading forward, where do you see the future of jorts?

I think jorts can only grow in our society due to global warming threats and crumbling economy, people need to wear less because of heat but can’t afford new clothes, so BOOM! Cutting your own jorts to wear while battling mutants in radioactive heat waves shall be new fashion sensation.

Sam Kelly performs regularly at the Charm City Comedy Project in Hampden. She also hosts her own open mic every second, third, and fourth Tuesday at 1919 Bar on 1919 Fleet St. Fells Point 21231. follow her on facebook for jokes and show updates https://www.facebook.com/ksamantha091?ref=br_rs 

Crotch Fulla Jorts #8

20170405_191453
Actress Danni Tsuboi is all smiles sipping tea and chilling out in black handcrafted jorts. 

“I’m not gonna regret the past 

when they bury me in 

blue jeans” 

-Granger Smith

 I’m a pretty chill dude, who’s accepting and open to most peoples philosophical and social-political beliefs and yet it never dawned on me that there were conservative artists out there. Ever. I mean, sure, I believed that conservatives were all about the self expression–I’ve seen many a nativity scene reenactments in my formative Sunday school days– but as far back as I could remember, conservatives were always trying to shut down Hollywood and ruin fun shit like habitual drug use and casual sex for everybody. Whenever I think of a conservative artist I just think of those Kirk Cameron action Christ films and live song and dance presentations about eating fruit and flossing twice a day. A young Elizabeth Hasselbeck  tap dancing in a giant tooth to a piano medley based on an old ragtime song about the joys of  slavery.

It wasn’t until my mid twenties, when I started a casual engagement with the works and history of Andy Warhol, that I discovered the man who would become one of my favorite cult directors, Paul Morrissey.  A self identifying “right winger” and devout Irish Catholic, Paul Morrissey made films produced by Warhol which he describes as allegories that addressed what he saw as America’s immorality and anti-Catholicism “problems”. Because these are allegories, the messages are represented by transgressive imagery such as: fornication, opiate smoking, dinner table blow jobs, long scenes of mixed gender principles in the nude, humping, rambling, shooting dope, domestic violence, and a heavily improvised existential monologue by a naked transsexual as she sodomized herself with an empty beer bottle. Kirk Cameron would not be amused. In fact, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind being left behind on this one.

In Morrissey’s films the deviants usually end up hoisted upon their own petard, but the lead up is a wild and disturbing ride on par with a weekend trapped in a West Texas sex dungeon on ketamine or a slightly–but not by much–toned down version of A Serbian Film–I really dig a Serbian Film. So when I got the call to be in a staged version of Morrissey’s tale of unchecked sexual perversion and the fear of socialism, Blood For Dracula, I was all in. When I got cast as Mario, the cantankerous estate manager and resident boy toy of the young sisters who occupy the chateau, I knew this was the fifteen minutes of fame the king of pop art promised me so long ago.  The cast and director for Blood For Dracula are a small yet fierce band of superstar actors who have worked together through Annex Theater and Psychic Theater Late Night Play Series before and whom all have strong opinions on jean shorts.

Would Dracula wear jorts?

Danni: As long as he could attract young ripe babes, then yes.

How do you feel about jorts?

Marian: I find them uncomfortable; they’re wedgie inducing.

So you’re anti jorts?

No. I wore jorts as a kid.

What did they look like?

. . . Like jean shorts . . . I think they were rolled up at the bottom.

You cuffed them or they came pre-cuffed?

I think they were pre-cuffed. I used to wear them with, like, a little yellow shirt that had a little cartoon character on it.

Did it make you feel sexy? 

I was way too young to feel sexy.

What makes the perfect pair of jorts?

Jacob: The perfect pair of jorts must reveal the full thigh.

When was there a time where you displayed great leadership qualities in jorts?

I was on my lawn, drinking a beer, and I told these kids to get the fuck out of my face.

So the jorts empowered you?

They did. They were cut so short the pockets were showing.

That’s a South Florida jort.

I’m from Alabama; that’s insulting to me.

What makes a great jort?

Nina: The jort needs to give you some air, you need openness. The jort needs to cinch the waist up by the belly button. Like a high rise jort.

Like a rise of the jorts?

RISE OF THE JORTS!

What are your thoughts on jean short camel toe?

It’s dangerous. You might get a yeast infection. You might get a uti. When I see someone with an ill fitting high waist jean short, I just know the irritation is strong.

The irritation is strong with this one. 

I say this with love. I’ve been there.

Did Andy Warhol invent jorts?

Sarah: He might have popularized jorts. You know, Joe Dallesandro? He was in Blood For Dracula; he wore the shit out of some jean shorts.

What is the ideal jort length: knee length, crotch length, or balls deep?

Ishai: Wearing jorts is like playing the guitar, either you have them right above your belly button or right below your dick.

Psychic Readings Co’s “Late Night Theatre” is back with a stage adaptation of Paul Morrisey’s 1974 horror sexpolitation flick BLOOD FOR DRACULA! All shows are at 10pm and runs April 28-30 and May 5-7
Price is $10 OR $8 if you come with garlic or rosary beads.
To reserve, ric@psychicreadings.church

https://www.facebook.com/events/528398020881820/

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