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Crotch Fulla Jorts #7

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Comedian Maria Sanchez dancing with herself in custom jorts.

“Wearing jean shorts in the year 2017.

That’s a citation.”

-Fandango of WWE tag team The Fashion Police

Comedian Maria Sanchez is a compelling hilarious story teller whose character is big, bawdy, explicit and compassionate. Her persona juxtaposes pure raunchiness with precious benevolence. In one story Ms. Sanchez will claim she’s smoked so much weed that all her lips are black while noting that giving out ice cream pops to the neighborhood youths is what rightly qualifies her as a community activist. Sanchez is a big personality, however she’s relatable and familiar without being banal or fugazy. When she performs I’m reminded of the comedic dexterity of Whoopi Goldberg’s Tony winning Broadway ’85 special. There are generally two kinds of comedians: those who say funny things and those who say things funny. The difference is resonance and since Maria Sanchez skews on the latter side, her comedy is something that keeps you laughing and thinking. Plus she slays in jorts.

When did you first truly feel the magic of jorts? What’s jorts?

Jorts are jeans that you cut into shorts. Jorts is a portmanteau of the words jeans and shorts.  Lol . . . Pahawwww!! In 1993 when Wu Tang was hot. Niggas had mad blunts n forties.

How does wearing jorts give you more life than wearing regular shorts? 
In jean shorts I feel like Pecos Bill, but regular shorts make me feel like the regular pothead I am, especially cargo khakis.
Who would you say gave you the power to just say yes to jorts?
I remember like it was yesterday. I saw TLC video and I told my mom I need these purple baggy jeans for sophomore day at school. She came back with some BOSS jeans! I cried because they weren’t Cross Colors. I went to school and bam, magical; I was TLC: T-Boz!
Have you ever seen someone in jorts looking #gross? What was that like for you? 
Yesss, Ron Jeremy, I remember like it was this morning on Porn Hub. His cheeks were smashed like English muffins. It made me not eat after a “Manny”– Aka woman’s hand job. English muffins are cheeky.
What drug pairs best with jorts?
No drug pairs well but crack to fit in the lil side pocket. Any other drug you can’t find quick enough to dodge the coppers, Jack!
Maria Sanchez can be seen at The 2nd Saturday Shit Show  Ottobar 2549 N Howard St, Baltimore, MD 21218 on April 8th. Free. show at 7:30. 
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Crotch Fulla Jorts #6

 

“I loathe narcissism,

but I approve of vanity.”

Diana Vreeland

There’s this new trend of internet rappers leading women around on leashes in Snap Chat and World Star Videos. It usually has some snazzy title like “#rapperwithtwowhitebitchesonaleash”. I’ve seen a few of these videos, and I gotta tell you, this is some 2016 shit I just can not get behind, or in front of. It’s a level of intimacy I’m not comfortable with. You can’t follow me around on a leash, lady, I need my gawd damn space.

Dave K. is a dude that I’m pretty sure is Daniel Day-Lewis in disguise. He’s an accomplished writer and pun philosopher. I met Dave through The Baltimore Rock Opera Society, a DIY theater company that write and produce their own original rock operas. Dave K. was charged with punching up the script for their Summer ’16  production, Amphion, a show the BROS produced once before in 2011. Dave was able to add much needed humor and emotional depth to a heady script that did not have a storybook ending nor a protagonist with all her limbs. Should you put a leash on a hash tag white bitch if she doesn’t have any legs? If you put a hashtag white bitch on a leash are you then responsible for curbing said hashtag white bitch? Didn’t a whole bunch of people fight and die so we no longer have to clean up behind hash tag white bitches? I’m convinced World Star is why Hollywood still makes slave movies.

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Dave K. sightseeing in shades with cigar, souvenir, and custom jorts.

What pairs best with jorts?

What pairs best with jorts, I think, is the humbling awareness that you are wearing something that was cut from a once-larger piece of clothing. That and low-top sneakers with ankle socks.

You were instrumental in rewriting Amphion and giving it a lot of its style and humor. What or who influences your writing? Have you written for BROS or any other company before?

I was on the script teams for BROS’ 2014 productions of Grundlehammer and The Electric Pharaoh, and I’ve done some script work with Yellow Sign Theatre, but Amphion was the most I’ve ever singlehandedly written for the stage. I generally write fiction, and my influences are pretty widespread: Ander Monson, Lorraine Hansberry, Michael Ondaatje, August Wilson, Philip K. Dick, Claudia Rankine, Edward Mullany. I could go on forever. Also, Baltimore has a lot of good writers in the community, and they inspire me as well.

Can you tell us a time when wearing jorts made you feel like you were changing the world?

I did my part for jorts by wearing them as a teenager during the mid-1990s, when jorts were absolutely not considered good or cool to wear. It warmed my little cynicism-deadened heart to see them come back into fashion recently. I don’t know if I changed the world exactly, but by wearing jorts against the tide of popular opinion, I kept them relevant in my little pocket of existence.

What’s next for Dave K.?

I have a bunch of fiction projects in the works, as well as a novella in the hands of a local publisher; hopefully that will be coming out later this year, or early next year. I’ll probably be in that BROS documentary somewhere, since I was unemployed when they began filming and thus heavily involved in renovating HQ/building Murdercastle.

Tasty Music: Chicken Box

It’s the latter half of the early Aught’s. I’m in a car with Underwater Star a.k.a Bathtub Tsunami. We’re on 83, driving 20 miles over the speed limit, listening to M.I.A coo over the sound of antique spastic drum machines and a wailing sample of fire trucks sirens so realistic, for a second, I think we’re in the way of a burning building. She tells me of a melody she’s cooking up and a hook she’s been letting percolate in her cabeza for some time, now. Usually she’s guarded with her songs, but she can trust me because I’m so real, I’m surreal. It’s a dance song called “Chicken Box”. The subject of the song is simple but it’s not a simple song. It’s foundation lies in it’s throbbing Baltimore club beat and mellifluous call to action: In this case the song’s demand is to ” Go down to the store and get me a chicken box and make sure my front door lock(ed).” As she explains the song, I immediately imagine a video concept involving action, intrigue, romance, and chicken–you know, the typical heroes journey, but with a side of ketchup and french fries. I’ve never produced a video. I’ve never filmed anything before. I’ve seen movies and I basically grew up on MTV; Kevin Smith and Purple Rain are the touchstones I rely on to help me convey a lucid story of fried food and foolin’ around. Looking back, I believe the video is about a man who just wants to have sex with his woman and get a good nap in, but there are an increasing amount of obstacles that get in the way of a simple activity. His life . . . such as life, is needlessly complicated. However, he accepts each obstacle, and deals with them head on, so he can get some head later on. This, I feel, in essence, is the meaning of life. Hit the link HERE to view the video Fried Chicken Weekly called, Yummy!!

chicken box
Chicken Box a Baltimore delicacy: 4 Wings, French Fries, Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, Hot Sauce.

Crotch Fulla Jorts #5

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Comedian, Nicki Fuchs, posted up with what appears to be just two fucks left to give in low rise jorts. Photo courtesy of Matt Baetz. 

Create your own visual style… let it

be unique for yourself and yet identifiable for others.

-Orson Wells

Nicki Fuchs has an invigorating retro Futurist style; equal parts Sailor Moon and Sailor Jerry. She’s psychobilly shangri-la in a city whose idea of style is wearing clothes that may or may not fit, in one tone, which could be best described as, slept in. Nicki’s a comedian who tells jokes with her entire body and uses her features as a prop from her bold expressive eyes to her trademark gap. A hard working comedian, Nicki performs 3-6 nights a week and tells thought provoking, personal, and introspective jokes but is not above getting silly or playing harmonica. This Thursday, Nicki will be a featured comedian performing at the Wings and 1 Liners Comedy Show at Camden Pub. Roll into your weekend with some quality laughs but until then check out what Nicki has to say about jorts.

When was a time where you felt like jorts saved your life?

Haha, hmm.. It probably helped at times to wear jorts. I had a few experiences where they have protected me from predators and creepy dudes trying to be creepy. Also maybe saved my life all those times I decided to go home after wearing jorts because I wanted to change out of them. Haha

Who is your comedy idol and do you think they are a jort supporter?

Joe Rogan is my comedy idol. And he honestly might be..? I know he is an avid fanny pack supporter, which to me is in the same category as jorts.. So it’s possible, but I don’t really know the dude personally to really know.

Should their be a WNBA team that plays in jorts?

No, my experience with Jorts is very restricted. I feel like you need loose fitting clothes to play basketball, Jorts could really cause injury depending on the body type.

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Comedian, Nicki Fuchs, is all smiles in jorts, downtown, at the Baltimore Inner Harbor. Photo courtesy of Matt Baetz.

How would you feel if the NBA played a week in Jorts; like, what would that even be like?

Umm.. There would be a lot of sweaty crotches. Possible increase in chafing. Maybe even an increase in groin muscle pulls. But it would look cool, especially if there were matching denim vests. And the denim would have to be shiny. It might be worth it, at that point.

Have you ever seen a pair of jorts . . . On Weed?

Every time I wear a pair of jorts its been on weed, so hell yeah!

How high were those jorts?

Dude those jorts were so fucking high they were riding my damn crotch!!

What projects do you have coming up?

I’m heading to LA in August for a week of booked showcases and some open mics. Doing New York in September.. That’s about it for the moment. Other projects are on hiatus right now so I’m focusing solely on stand up.

Nicki Fuchs can be seen this Thursday at Wings and 1 Liners Comedy Show at Camden Pub 8:30pm 647 w. Pratt st. Baltimore, MD 21201. No Cover. Food and drink specials. 

Crotch Fulla Jorts #4

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Sammy El, sassy in smoke gray, hand crafted jorts. His eyes say “Try Me” his finger says “Go on”. 

Samy El invented electricity…

But only between you and him. In his eyes. In the night.

-Justin Lawson Isett

 Sammy El, is a Fierce Creature in a zoo full of sleeping beasts; the fun aunt who wears pearls before six and sings poignant arias in response to some of life’s most difficult quandaries. He enhances every scene he’s in, simply by being there, and being the cinnamon superstar that he is. I had the honor of working with Sammy on an absolutely gorgeous play: Harry and the Thief. After the show my mother called to talk about how fabulous Sammy was, and how he was her favorite part of the show. This endorsement came without consolation for your poor narrator, her son. Sammy is conscious, and woke af, which means he’s always down for a good time but he ain’t dealing with none of your bullshit, which makes him a refreshing joy to be around.

How could one pull off wearing jorts to a funeral?

Wearing jorts in any situation is a lot like acting: you’ve got to make a bold choice and follow through on it. So put the “fun” in “funeral” by color coordinating your jorts with the rest of your outfit (ideally black; somebody did just die, after all). Mourning jorts should be a tasteful length (fingertip rule is a good one to follow) and have a clean, even hem. Cutoff jorts could be perceived as disrespectful to the dead, unless the dead was metal as fuck. You’re making a statement that’s like, “yeah, somebody just died, and that’s pretty sad… but like, peep these thighs, though.” Your jorts should give the funeral life.

What alcohol pairs best with Jorts?

When choosing which alcoholic beverage to pair with your jorts, remember that your unique sartorial choices distinguish you as the wild card of your social circle. No Bud Light Limes for you, my friend! Celebrate summer with a Ruby Redbird Shiner. This lightweight lager is almost as refreshing as feeling the wind on your sexy, sexy leg hairs. Plus, it’s made with tart Texas grapefruit, and as we all know, Texas is like the Mecca of jorts. Grab a shiner today!

Can you tell us a time you wore jorts and felt like you were someone else?

My first pair of jorts were cutoffs that I made myself, but I cut them way too high up so I was serving some Daisy Dukes realness. I classed it up with a nice cardigan though, so I was a really refined heaux that day. Everyone should own a pair of sexy DIY jorts. What is the question even?

Who’s more fortunate; the person seeing you in the jorts or you as the jort wearer?

As the jorts wearer, I know I’m sending a message to the universe. Especially with my distressed, paint-splattered pair of jorts. It’s almost as if I’m saying, “I’m here, I’m queer, and these jorts accentuate my pert rear.” (So pert. So pert.) Other days I’m a little more conservative with a pair of store bought jorts. I feel truly blessed as the jorts-wearer. Wearing jorts is like an exercise in body positivity. Eyes up here, fellas: I’m wearing these jorts for my damn self.

Do you have any projects coming up?

I’m working on Dial R for Robot at DC Fringe Fest. There are no jorts, but I do have to wear a pair of silver hot pants and we all know sexy robot is just a stone’s throw away from wearing jorts. That runs through July. Then I’m working on Brides of Tortuga with the Baltimore Rock Opera Society, which opens in October. What a year.

For info and tickets for Dial R for Robot follow this link: https://www.facebook.com/Dial-R-for-Robot-in-DC-Fringe-Fest-1782091592019596/. For info and tickets for Brides of Tortuga follow this link: http://baltimorerockopera.org/  follow Sammy on social media here:samygolightly@twitter; samygolightly@instagram; https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003339253918

Crotch Fulla Jorts #3

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Leeland Clayton performing stand-up, while sitting down in Jorts, at Monday Night Open Mic Comedy. The Sidebar 218 E Lexington St, Baltimore, MD 21202

Today marks the 13 month anniversary of the day World Champion boxer and Money Team leader, Floyd Mayweather  Jr., wore a daring pair of acid wash cut off jorts, court side to game two of the NBA Finals, between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the eventual Finals Champion Golden State Warriors. Although, “Money” Mayweather was virtually slandered to filth on Twitter, I laud his devil-may-care approach to fashion in the age of self-conscious “who wore it best” couture. He showed up, stood out, and had the most insouciant look of anyone crowing over their popcorn in over-sized California golden yellow and Royal blue s.w.a.g. rags, swag! Mayweather doesn’t care about literacy and he certainly doesn’t give a shit how you feel about him, much like comedian, film auteur, and world traveler, Leeland Clayton. Let me be clear: Leeland does know how to read. I’ve never seen him read, but, I’m sure he knows how to, because he wears glasses, and everyone in glasses definitely knows how to read, or like, what’s the purpose of them wearing glasses?  Leeland’s style of comedy is current, culturally aware, and pulls no punches. At twenty-three he has the precocious ability to tackle sociopolitical issues like, police murdering African-Americans with full on unwavering impunity, #Blacklivesmatter, and the “N”word, all while making you think critically and laugh heartily.

When was a time you felt most powerful in jorts?  

I feel powerful anytime I wear jorts. I feel less confined, less restricted…I feel as though I can kick higher than I actually can. Also, it’s super nice to have my legs out. There’s a power in showing off your legs. I feel like a Summer King.

Have you ever made your own jorts? How would you give instructions on making the perfect pair of jorts?

I ONLY make my own jorts. The best way to get some old longs back in to rotation is to turn them in to shorts. I think the best way to make jorts would be to flip your jeans inside out and put them on. Once you are wearing your inside out jeans mark the spot where you feel comfortable cutting your jeans (use a sharpie or something like it) I generally mark the middle of my knee. Remove the jeans from your body and cut along the line that you marked. Voilà you have jorts! You can fray the ends or you can cuff em. It’s up to you.

You recently went to Ireland. How was your experience and did it change you? How?

I WAS in Ireland! It was dope as fuck! The people there were amazing the land was beautiful. I’m looking to go back soon. Artistically, being in Ireland and becoming more familiar with the issues that they have going on there definitely broadened my world view. Professionally, doors are being opened to a ton of opportunity, nothing is concrete but hopefully I’ll be back in the UK soon on business.

I have a pair of white jeans. How can I rock em’ without looking like a dingy tampon?

Personally I try to stay away from super light colored jeans, like white jeans. However if you are gonna rock some white jeans may I suggest wearing a white linen shirt like Diddy on a beach…or get em super dirty and make a statement.

Keep up with Leeland and all his flaneuring exploits by following / friending him on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leelend.clayton

 

Crotch Fulla Jorts #2

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Comedian, equestrian, jort enthusiast, Ian Abramson says neigh to cuffs in favor of visible factory hemlines. 

JORTS: A POEM

The denim pants last dance

long legs ripped and shredded

cotton blended with sweat and acrylic

taken to the limit

tattered edges

collapsed seams

not all hope is lost

funnel the hem

do it again

funnel the hem

from the dyed indigo embers

smaller

mightier

they are reformed

snipped and tucked

cuffed and stuffed

-Micsmif

Comedian and Onion.com contributor, Ian Abramson, is an inventive and spontaneous entertainer whose antics don’t just settle on traditional stand-up but incorporate elements of vaudeville. His well documented theatrics involve such outrageous acts as putting a fellow comedian on trial for “bombing”, or, as it’s colloquially known in the Baltimore comedy scene “Eating a dick”. Abramson is also the creator and host of, Seven Minutes in Purgatory, an event where comedians do a seven minute stand-up set in a sound proof booth, while a live audience listens,sequestered, on the other side. Abramson recently married his comedy career in a public ceremony and used his honeymoon to embark on a national tour which has him stopping off here in Baltimore for two engagements on June 30th.

You married your comedy career. Who signed the prenup?

I did. If we divorce, I get nothing.

How old were you when you first stopped ironing your clothes?

I was 23 and my arms were tired from non stop ironing for 23 years.

If a mirror looks into a mirror, what is there to see?

This is how diamonds are made.

Do you eat in buffets, and if so, what is the best buffet strategy?

A good defense is the best offense.

The’s been an inconceivable amount of deaths so far this year. Who are some people you are surprised are still alive in 2016?

I’m surprised that the spirit of giving is still alive.

Have you been to Baltimore before? What would you tell a stranger about this city. If not, what mysteries of The Greatest City In America are you looking to unlock?

I have not. I’m hoping to find out what B.A.L.T.I.M.O.R.E. stands for.

Thoughts on jorts?

If you want my jorts you can pry them from my cold clammy legs.

Ian Abramson can be see performing on Thursday June 30th at Wings & One Liners hosted by Mike Smith and featuring the DMV’s best comics at Camden Pub 647 W. Pratt st. Baltimore, MD 21201 8 p.m. https://www.facebook.com/events/1122387101166279/

Crotch Fulla Jorts #1

 

jorts #1

Melissa LaMartina, center, wearing her award winning jorts at Ottobar in Baltimore, MD 2549 N.Howard St. 21218 for Wet Hot American Summer theme party and costume contest. 

The jean short or “jort” was a revolutionary style of denim fashion ushered in by the 70’s era youth culture. Originally worn by burn-outs and hippies, the look was considered counter-cultural until it broke into the mainstream a few years later thanks, in part, to Catherine Bach, the actress who played Daisy Duke on the popular sit-com The Dukes of Hazzard.

Melissa LaMartina, star of Baltimore Rock Opera Society’s seventh full length original production, Amphion, plays Nasreen, a young lady betrothed to a man she despises while in love with the play’s titular character. LaMartina brings a ferocious zeal to the part and a soaring soprano akin to that of Heart chanteuse, Ann Wilson. She also has the best jorts in the business. That business, of course, being Maryland show business.

 You just won a jorts contest, can you tell us what you did to prepare for the contest?

I wore jorts that already had good vibes attached to them, since I wore them to shoot a role, my role in Camp Killer, which was a really fun experience. I was more concerned about dressing to fit the event and considered it a great success when I was told I looked like I should be one of the hippies in I Drink Your Blood. I wasn’t expecting to be a finalist in the contest, but I relied on my sick dance moves and jort-rolling abilities to cinch the victory.

Which is best, store bought or handmade jorts?

Handmade, no question.

Would your character in Amphion, Nasreen, wear jorts to the festival if she could, and if so, what would they look like?

I actually was recently saying to someone that Nasreen should wear hot pants like one of the dancers after her sexual and emotional liberation! Sadly, though, I think Nasreen would never even consider jorts a viable option for her. If she could wear them, though, they’d probably be covered in jewels.

Amphion, the newest original rock opera produced by the Baltimore Rock Opera Society is running its final weekend June 23-26 8p.m. Zion Lutheran Church 400 e. Lexington st. tickets can be purchased at this link: https://bros.tixato.com/buy/amphion  

 

 

Wesley Brooks: Yo Funny

Where do jokes come from? Jokes can, and often, come from everywhere. Waiting in line at the bank. Waiting in line at the MVA. Waiting in line for sex. For comedian, Wesley Brooks, jokes seem to  float capriciously from his lips. His jokes are as astute as they are hilarious and are delivered with such bravado that you’d think he’s making them up on the spot–sometimes, he is. Wesley’s style is that of a jovial friend adroit at putting a hilarious spin on the days otherwise mundane trifles. He’s a young, super talented, hungry comic with some of the tightest jokes on the scene. His Facebook statuses are dope, too. I caught up with Young Wes to find out about his comedy motivations, goals, affiliation and what St. Patrick’s Day means to him.

I remember bitches aint want me.

My biggest comedy influence would have to be Kevin Hart. After watching Seriously Funny 1000 times I finally gathered da guts.

kevin

My father said don’t quit shit, give em hell.

I have set a variety of goals for my career and it does not include fame and fortune. I just want to reach my peak in this business, as in, I wanna be the best comedian Wesley Brooks can possibly be.

Niggas get a new outfit and rock it that day.

I get a new outfit and don’t rock that bitch for three months.

I thought St. Patrick’s day was just a reason to get drunk out of green cups.

Chase ya dreams, it feels so good. 

After I watched seriously funny, I took to the Internet and met, Henry Jones, one of my best friends and comedian. He let me know I had what it took just from a few minutes of conversation.

 I love performing live it’s nothing like it. Being under those lights in front of those people at that moment in time. I get a rush from the lifestyle.

The YoFunnyTeam consists of a few buddies of mine who I always pitched jokes to and their response would always be “YoFunny!” Once I started stand up, they made it their right to be at every show. People noticed and started calling them the #YoFunnyTeam.

wesley yo funny

It’s crazy cause people seeing you doing good and grinding- change their whole perception of you.

wesley with the ladies

Wesley Brooks can be seen performing this Thursday at Comedy Night at Camden Pub. 647 W. Pratt St. 8:30p. You can follow Wesley on instagram @whenafunnyniggawantyou.  

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