It’s the latter half of the early Aught’s. I’m in a car with Underwater Star a.k.a Bathtub Tsunami. We’re on 83, driving 20 miles over the speed limit, listening to M.I.A coo over the sound of antique spastic drum machines and a wailing sample of fire trucks sirens so realistic, for a second, I think we’re in the way of a burning building. She tells me of a melody she’s cooking up and a hook she’s been letting percolate in her cabeza for some time, now. Usually she’s guarded with her songs, but she can trust me because I’m so real, I’m surreal. It’s a dance song called “Chicken Box”. The subject of the song is simple but it’s not a simple song. It’s foundation lies in it’s throbbing Baltimore club beat and mellifluous call to action: In this case the song’s demand is to ” Go down to the store and get me a chicken box and make sure my front door lock(ed).” As she explains the song, I immediately imagine a video concept involving action, intrigue, romance, and chicken–you know, the typical heroes journey, but with a side of ketchup and french fries. I’ve never produced a video. I’ve never filmed anything before. I’ve seen movies and I basically grew up on MTV; Kevin Smith and Purple Rain are the touchstones I rely on to help me convey a lucid story of fried food and foolin’ around. Looking back, I believe the video is about a man who just wants to have sex with his woman and get a good nap in, but there are an increasing amount of obstacles that get in the way of a simple activity. His life . . . such as life, is needlessly complicated. However, he accepts each obstacle, and deals with them head on, so he can get some head later on. This, I feel, in essence, is the meaning of life. Hit the link HERE to view the video Fried Chicken Weekly called, Yummy!!
Comedian, Nicki Fuchs, posted up with what appears to be just two fucks left to give in low rise jorts. Photo courtesy of Matt Baetz.
Create your own visual style… let it
be unique for yourself and yet identifiable for others.
Nicki Fuchs has an invigorating retro Futurist style; equal parts Sailor Moon and Sailor Jerry. She’s psychobilly shangri-la in a city whose idea of style is wearing clothes that may or may not fit, in one tone, which could be best described as, slept in. Nicki’s a comedian who tells jokes with her entire body and uses her features as a prop from her bold expressive eyes to her trademark gap. A hard working comedian, Nicki performs 3-6 nights a week and tells thought provoking, personal, and introspective jokes but is not above getting silly or playing harmonica. This Thursday, Nicki will be a featured comedian performing at the Wings and 1 Liners Comedy Show at Camden Pub. Roll into your weekend with some quality laughs but until then check out what Nicki has to say about jorts.
When was a time where you felt like jorts saved your life?
Haha, hmm.. It probably helped at times to wear jorts. I had a few experiences where they have protected me from predators and creepy dudes trying to be creepy. Also maybe saved my life all those times I decided to go home after wearing jorts because I wanted to change out of them. Haha
Who is your comedy idol and do you think they are a jort supporter?
Joe Rogan is my comedy idol. And he honestly might be..? I know he is an avid fanny pack supporter, which to me is in the same category as jorts.. So it’s possible, but I don’t really know the dude personally to really know.
Should their be a WNBA team that plays in jorts?
No, my experience with Jorts is very restricted. I feel like you need loose fitting clothes to play basketball, Jorts could really cause injury depending on the body type.
Comedian, Nicki Fuchs, is all smiles in jorts, downtown, at the Baltimore Inner Harbor. Photo courtesy of Matt Baetz.
How would you feel if the NBA played a week in Jorts; like, what would that even be like?
Umm.. There would be a lot of sweaty crotches. Possible increase in chafing. Maybe even an increase in groin muscle pulls. But it would look cool, especially if there were matching denim vests. And the denim would have to be shiny. It might be worth it, at that point.
Have you ever seen a pair of jorts . . . On Weed?
Every time I wear a pair of jorts its been on weed, so hell yeah!
How high were those jorts?
Dude those jorts were so fucking high they were riding my damn crotch!!
What projects do you have coming up?
I’m heading to LA in August for a week of booked showcases and some open mics. Doing New York in September.. That’s about it for the moment. Other projects are on hiatus right now so I’m focusing solely on stand up.
Nicki Fuchs can be seen this Thursday at Wings and 1 Liners Comedy Show at Camden Pub 8:30pm 647 w. Pratt st. Baltimore, MD 21201. No Cover. Food and drink specials.
Sammy El, sassy in smoke gray, hand crafted jorts. His eyes say “Try Me” his finger says “Go on”.
Samy El invented electricity…
But only between you and him. In his eyes. In the night.
-Justin Lawson Isett
Sammy El, is a Fierce Creature in a zoo full of sleeping beasts; the fun aunt who wears pearls before six and sings poignant arias in response to some of life’s most difficult quandaries. He enhances every scene he’s in, simply by being there, and being the cinnamon superstar that he is. I had the honor of working with Sammy on an absolutely gorgeous play: Harry and the Thief. After the show my mother called to talk about how fabulous Sammy was, and how he was her favorite part of the show. This endorsement came without consolation for your poor narrator, her son. Sammy is conscious, and woke af, which means he’s always down for a good time but he ain’t dealing with none of your bullshit, which makes him a refreshing joy to be around.
How could one pull off wearing jorts to a funeral?
Wearing jorts in any situation is a lot like acting: you’ve got to make a bold choice and follow through on it. So put the “fun” in “funeral” by color coordinating your jorts with the rest of your outfit (ideally black; somebody did just die, after all). Mourning jorts should be a tasteful length (fingertip rule is a good one to follow) and have a clean, even hem. Cutoff jorts could be perceived as disrespectful to the dead, unless the dead was metal as fuck. You’re making a statement that’s like, “yeah, somebody just died, and that’s pretty sad… but like, peep these thighs, though.” Your jorts should give the funeral life.
What alcohol pairs best with Jorts?
When choosing which alcoholic beverage to pair with your jorts, remember that your unique sartorial choices distinguish you as the wild card of your social circle. No Bud Light Limes for you, my friend! Celebrate summer with a Ruby Redbird Shiner. This lightweight lager is almost as refreshing as feeling the wind on your sexy, sexy leg hairs. Plus, it’s made with tart Texas grapefruit, and as we all know, Texas is like the Mecca of jorts. Grab a shiner today!
Can you tell us a time you wore jorts and felt like you were someone else?
My first pair of jorts were cutoffs that I made myself, but I cut them way too high up so I was serving some Daisy Dukes realness. I classed it up with a nice cardigan though, so I was a really refined heaux that day. Everyone should own a pair of sexy DIY jorts. What is the question even?
Who’s more fortunate; the person seeing you in the jorts or you as the jort wearer?
As the jorts wearer, I know I’m sending a message to the universe. Especially with my distressed, paint-splattered pair of jorts. It’s almost as if I’m saying, “I’m here, I’m queer, and these jorts accentuate my pert rear.” (So pert. So pert.) Other days I’m a little more conservative with a pair of store bought jorts. I feel truly blessed as the jorts-wearer. Wearing jorts is like an exercise in body positivity. Eyes up here, fellas: I’m wearing these jorts for my damn self.
Do you have any projects coming up?
I’m working on Dial R for Robot at DC Fringe Fest. There are no jorts, but I do have to wear a pair of silver hot pants and we all know sexy robot is just a stone’s throw away from wearing jorts. That runs through July. Then I’m working on Brides of Tortuga with the Baltimore Rock Opera Society, which opens in October. What a year.
For info and tickets for Dial R for Robot follow this link: https://www.facebook.com/Dial-R-for-Robot-in-DC-Fringe-Fest-1782091592019596/. For info and tickets for Brides of Tortuga follow this link: http://baltimorerockopera.org/ follow Sammy on social media here:samygolightly@twitter; samygolightly@instagram; https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003339253918
Leeland Clayton performing stand-up, while sitting down in Jorts, at Monday Night Open Mic Comedy. The Sidebar 218 E Lexington St, Baltimore, MD 21202
Today marks the 13 month anniversary of the day World Champion boxer and Money Team leader, Floyd Mayweather Jr., wore a daring pair of acid wash cut off jorts, court side to game two of the NBA Finals, between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the eventual Finals Champion Golden State Warriors. Although, “Money” Mayweather was virtually slandered to filth on Twitter, I laud his devil-may-care approach to fashion in the age of self-conscious “who wore it best” couture. He showed up, stood out, and had the most insouciant look of anyone crowing over their popcorn in over-sized California golden yellow and Royal blue s.w.a.g. rags, swag! Mayweather doesn’t care about literacy and he certainly doesn’t give a shit how you feel about him, much like comedian, film auteur, and world traveler, Leeland Clayton. Let me be clear: Leeland does know how to read. I’ve never seen him read, but, I’m sure he knows how to, because he wears glasses, and everyone in glasses definitely knows how to read, or like, what’s the purpose of them wearing glasses? Leeland’s style of comedy is current, culturally aware, and pulls no punches. At twenty-three he has the precocious ability to tackle sociopolitical issues like, police murdering African-Americans with full on unwavering impunity, #Blacklivesmatter, and the “N”word, all while making you think critically and laugh heartily.
When was a time you felt most powerful in jorts?
I feel powerful anytime I wear jorts. I feel less confined, less restricted…I feel as though I can kick higher than I actually can. Also, it’s super nice to have my legs out. There’s a power in showing off your legs. I feel like a Summer King.
Have you ever made your own jorts? How would you give instructions on making the perfect pair of jorts?
I ONLY make my own jorts. The best way to get some old longs back in to rotation is to turn them in to shorts. I think the best way to make jorts would be to flip your jeans inside out and put them on. Once you are wearing your inside out jeans mark the spot where you feel comfortable cutting your jeans (use a sharpie or something like it) I generally mark the middle of my knee. Remove the jeans from your body and cut along the line that you marked. Voilà you have jorts! You can fray the ends or you can cuff em. It’s up to you.
You recently went to Ireland. How was your experience and did it change you? How?
I WAS in Ireland! It was dope as fuck! The people there were amazing the land was beautiful. I’m looking to go back soon. Artistically, being in Ireland and becoming more familiar with the issues that they have going on there definitely broadened my world view. Professionally, doors are being opened to a ton of opportunity, nothing is concrete but hopefully I’ll be back in the UK soon on business.
I have a pair of white jeans. How can I rock em’ without looking like a dingy tampon?
Personally I try to stay away from super light colored jeans, like white jeans. However if you are gonna rock some white jeans may I suggest wearing a white linen shirt like Diddy on a beach…or get em super dirty and make a statement.
Keep up with Leeland and all his flaneuring exploits by following / friending him on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leelend.clayton
Comedian, equestrian, jort enthusiast, Ian Abramson says neigh to cuffs in favor of visible factory hemlines.
JORTS: A POEM
The denim pants last dance
long legs ripped and shredded
cotton blended with sweat and acrylic
taken to the limit
not all hope is lost
funnel the hem
do it again
funnel the hem
from the dyed indigo embers
they are reformed
snipped and tucked
cuffed and stuffed
Comedian and Onion.com contributor, Ian Abramson, is an inventive and spontaneous entertainer whose antics don’t just settle on traditional stand-up but incorporate elements of vaudeville. His well documented theatrics involve such outrageous acts as putting a fellow comedian on trial for “bombing”, or, as it’s colloquially known in the Baltimore comedy scene “Eating a dick”. Abramson is also the creator and host of, Seven Minutes in Purgatory, an event where comedians do a seven minute stand-up set in a sound proof booth, while a live audience listens,sequestered, on the other side. Abramson recently married his comedy career in a public ceremony and used his honeymoon to embark on a national tour which has him stopping off here in Baltimore for two engagements on June 30th.
You married your comedy career. Who signed the prenup?
I did. If we divorce, I get nothing.
How old were you when you first stopped ironing your clothes?
I was 23 and my arms were tired from non stop ironing for 23 years.
If a mirror looks into a mirror, what is there to see?
This is how diamonds are made.
Do you eat in buffets, and if so, what is the best buffet strategy?
A good defense is the best offense.
The’s been an inconceivable amount of deaths so far this year. Who are some people you are surprised are still alive in 2016?
I’m surprised that the spirit of giving is still alive.
Have you been to Baltimore before? What would you tell a stranger about this city. If not, what mysteries of The Greatest City In America are you looking to unlock?
I have not. I’m hoping to find out what B.A.L.T.I.M.O.R.E. stands for.
Thoughts on jorts?
If you want my jorts you can pry them from my cold clammy legs.
Ian Abramson can be see performing on Thursday June 30th at Wings & One Liners hosted by Mike Smith and featuring the DMV’s best comics at Camden Pub 647 W. Pratt st. Baltimore, MD 21201 8 p.m. https://www.facebook.com/events/1122387101166279/
Melissa LaMartina, center, wearing her award winning jorts at Ottobar in Baltimore, MD 2549 N.Howard St. 21218 for Wet Hot American Summer theme party and costume contest.
The jean short or “jort” was a revolutionary style of denim fashion ushered in by the 70’s era youth culture. Originally worn by burn-outs and hippies, the look was considered counter-cultural until it broke into the mainstream a few years later thanks, in part, to Catherine Bach, the actress who played Daisy Duke on the popular sit-com The Dukes of Hazzard.
Melissa LaMartina, star of Baltimore Rock Opera Society’s seventh full length original production, Amphion, plays Nasreen, a young lady betrothed to a man she despises while in love with the play’s titular character. LaMartina brings a ferocious zeal to the part and a soaring soprano akin to that of Heart chanteuse, Ann Wilson. She also has the best jorts in the business. That business, of course, being Maryland show business.
You just won a jorts contest, can you tell us what you did to prepare for the contest?
I wore jorts that already had good vibes attached to them, since I wore them to shoot a role, my role in Camp Killer, which was a really fun experience. I was more concerned about dressing to fit the event and considered it a great success when I was told I looked like I should be one of the hippies in I Drink Your Blood. I wasn’t expecting to be a finalist in the contest, but I relied on my sick dance moves and jort-rolling abilities to cinch the victory.
Which is best, store bought or handmade jorts?
Handmade, no question.
Would your character in Amphion, Nasreen, wear jorts to the festival if she could, and if so, what would they look like?
I actually was recently saying to someone that Nasreen should wear hot pants like one of the dancers after her sexual and emotional liberation! Sadly, though, I think Nasreen would never even consider jorts a viable option for her. If she could wear them, though, they’d probably be covered in jewels.
Amphion, the newest original rock opera produced by the Baltimore Rock Opera Society is running its final weekend June 23-26 8p.m. Zion Lutheran Church 400 e. Lexington st. tickets can be purchased at this link: https://bros.tixato.com/buy/amphion
Where do jokes come from? Jokes can, and often, come from everywhere. Waiting in line at the bank. Waiting in line at the MVA. Waiting in line for sex. For comedian, Wesley Brooks, jokes seem to float capriciously from his lips. His jokes are as astute as they are hilarious and are delivered with such bravado that you’d think he’s making them up on the spot–sometimes, he is. Wesley’s style is that of a jovial friend adroit at putting a hilarious spin on the days otherwise mundane trifles. He’s a young, super talented, hungry comic with some of the tightest jokes on the scene. His Facebook statuses are dope, too. I caught up with Young Wes to find out about his comedy motivations, goals, affiliation and what St. Patrick’s Day means to him.
I remember bitches aint want me.
My biggest comedy influence would have to be Kevin Hart. After watching Seriously Funny 1000 times I finally gathered da guts.
My father said don’t quit shit, give em hell.
I have set a variety of goals for my career and it does not include fame and fortune. I just want to reach my peak in this business, as in, I wanna be the best comedian Wesley Brooks can possibly be.
Niggas get a new outfit and rock it that day.
I get a new outfit and don’t rock that bitch for three months.
I thought St. Patrick’s day was just a reason to get drunk out of green cups.
Chase ya dreams, it feels so good.
After I watched seriously funny, I took to the Internet and met, Henry Jones, one of my best friends and comedian. He let me know I had what it took just from a few minutes of conversation.
I love performing live it’s nothing like it. Being under those lights in front of those people at that moment in time. I get a rush from the lifestyle.
The YoFunnyTeam consists of a few buddies of mine who I always pitched jokes to and their response would always be “YoFunny!” Once I started stand up, they made it their right to be at every show. People noticed and started calling them the #YoFunnyTeam.
It’s crazy cause people seeing you doing good and grinding- change their whole perception of you.
Wesley Brooks can be seen performing this Thursday at Comedy Night at Camden Pub. 647 W. Pratt St. 8:30p. You can follow Wesley on instagram @whenafunnyniggawantyou.
It’s all types of instability-
before you undercut the politics.
Cleveland, a science fiction short play set in Ohio’s second largest city, explores the malady of suburban living. The play is funny, laconic, celestial, and absurd. Think David Lynch meets The Coneheads. The play, written by Mac Wellman, tells the story of a widowed mother’s fear that her daughter may not be fashionable enough to find a date for the prom. I went to senior prom with my high school sweetheart. Then, a year later, I went to prom with a close friend and won a dirt bike in the schools casino themed raffle. So yeah, I was prom king twice– you can suck an egg Jake Ryan! Being in this iteration of Cleveland, produced by the Psychic Reading’s Late Night Theater Series has been an awesome process with some super cool friends and artists. Let’s meet them:
Carly Bales, Director:
Have you ever been to Cleveland?
This is a play for only grown, sexy, and insane folks. Hope you can join me.
Cleveland Steamers, for or against?
I’m not gonna hate on the game, but, against. Yeah, they’re silly.
Cricket Arrison, Mother:
When you hear the word Cleveland, what comes to mind?
Cleveland Steamers, for or against?
I might give a Cleveland Steamer, if I can leave right after.
Johnathan Jacobs, Losin’ Susan:
When was the last time the Cleveland Indians went to the World Series?
The late 90’s . . .It was 1997.
Who did they play?
They beat the Bronx Bombers.
Cleveland Steamer. Ever have one?
Yeah, I think so.
Puerto Rican Lollipop?
I’m almost positive I have not.
Montreal Screw Job?
Caroline Preziosi, Marta:
Ever been to Cleveland?
Yeah, I stayed within a five block radius of my friend’s house, so I didn’t see much while I was there. It was very relaxing.
Would you give one?
I’m not against them, but, no.
What’s the other B in Air B&B?
Martin Kasey, Panda Hands:
What do you know of Johnny “Football” Manziel?
He’s a football man.
Have you ever been to Cleveland?
I may have been to Cleveland, I can’t remember.
Cleveland Steamers, for or against them?
I don’t know what they are?
(I explain what a Cleveland Steamer is.)
Well, I guess that’s not for me, but, I don’t judge the Cleveland Steamer. Not for me.
As far as giving or receiving?
I don’t think I feel the need to give or receive it.
Cleveland, What state is it in?
. . . O . . .hi . . .o?
I’m for them happening to other people.
Do you inform the person or do you just try and sneak a Cleveland Steamer in there?
No, you definitely don’t sneak it in there!
What if the person wanted to give themselves a Cleveland Steamer?
That would be really impressive. I think I would stay and watch that. You have 20 minutes.
Sarah Jacqueline, Grizelda:
I can’t really speak with authority on Kenny Lofton.
He stole a lot of bases.
I know. I know!
So, my friend, the first time she slept with a guy, recently, he just peed in her bed. Peed in her bed! She went on a second date with him!
Did he pee in her bed again?
Evan Moritz, The Man With the Wand:
This play,Cleveland . . .
What is it about?
It’s about, like, Sailor Moon girls and Babysitters Club stuff. It sorta reminds me of Sailor Moon and Babysitters club stuff, at the same time.
It also reminds me of Adventures in Babysitting?
Oh, yeah, Adventures in Babysitting.
What comes to mind when you hear the name Bernie Kosar?
Bernie Kosar: alien.
That works, because in the movie I am Number 4, there is a dog named Bernie Kosar and it turns out that the dog is an alien. Did you see I am Number 4?
Uh, I’m for em.
Rick Royer, Mayor of Cleveland:
Bernie Kosar was a quarterback for the Miami Hurricanes, drafted first round, for the Cleveland Browns.
THURSDAY – SUNDAY, 10PM PSYCHIC READINGS | 219 PARK AVE MARCH 3 – 6 ONLY!
Psychic Readings Company’s LATE NIGHT THEATRE SERIES Presents…CLEVELAND by Mac Wellman | Directed by Carly J. Bales. Tickets are $10, $8 if you dress for the prom.reserve tickets ahead of time for this Thursday – Sunday at 10PM. HOW DO I DO THAT? Email firstname.lastname@example.org to reserve your tickets.
I’m never hungry, but I’m always ready to eat. I’m also not a very discriminating eater. I’ll eat anything you put in front of me and it doesn’t even have to be based on a dare. I’ve eaten snails in Paris, chitterlings in a church basement, and pigeons in China . . . town. I’m the type of guy where when you’re eating something and it tastes funny and you turn to me and say “This is gross. Try this.” I’m just gonna go ahead and eat it.
I’m a little food savvy. But for the most part I keep it simple yet tasteful. I don’t do McDonald’s; I cook out of boxes more than the dirt. From time to time I been known to bake pies: beans, strawberry, oyster. I’m not an adventurous eater; I’m a gluttonous eater. I’m less a foodie and more a chubby. However, when it comes to epicurian expertise comedian, Ronald James, is a master masticate. His tastes are sensational, unpretentious, and easily accessible. Ronald has fun but he also eats his food with a philosophy.
You flood your timeline with many exotic foods. Would you consider yourself a foodie?
I try not to use the “F-word” too often, in public. In fact, I try to only use it around other “F-bombs”. Yes, I am . . . that.
What is a foodie?
I once read the quote: “We all eat and it would be a sad waste to eat badly.” on someones Facebook post. The screenwriter Anna Thomas said that. It’s that philosophy personified. Passion for food. Extreme passion for food. I don’t expect any level of expert knowledge from an “F-bomb” but I do expect some good suggestions for dishes from them. That’s the currency!
Please explain this baller ass sushi burrito.
This sushi burrito comes from Shoyou Sushi in Federal Hill. It’s crab meat, shrimp tempura, spicy tuna, avocado wrapped in some sticky rice. Delicious!
Do you cook at home? What’s a simple delicious dish anyone can make at the crib?
I cook at home a couple of times a week. Favorite thing to fix is tuna steak sauteed in onions and mushrooms. I’ll usually saute some spinach in olive oil and lightly salt it for the veggies. If I’m feeling like 2 million dollars in singles I might fix some mashed potatoes. Oddly enough, A1 steak sauce goes really well with tuna steak.
Where are some dope below the radar places to eat in Baltimore?
Tapas Teatro for tapas in Charles North: grilled calamari with a pepperoncini vinaigrette is my absolute favorite! I usually get that with some sauteed spinach. I go once every two weeks. I get the same thing. I’m addicted. Neopol Savory Smokery in Belvedere Sqaure– Smoked everything. Do not sleep! He’s on point about that all smoked everything. Their smoked muscles are $0.75 a piece and I pair a half dozen of them bad boys with everything I eat there. Joann’s Kitchen in Fells Point: cheesesteak subs, great Korean food . . . Bibimbap is amazing! Breakfast is served all day!!!! Food Market in Hampden– Everything is unreal. Brunch served Friday-Sunday. Puerto 511 in Mt Vernon–Ceviche is amazing!
Terra Cafe in Charles Village–Southern comfort food. Venue also does music and poetry stuff! China House in Canton– Best Chinese in the city. If you’re going to eat terribly, eat terribly here. It’s worth triple bypass surgery. Broadway Diner–Diner food done right. Huge portions!
What are some food spots you looking forward to checking out in 2016?
I have yet to visit Iron Rooster and Gertrude’s. I can’t think of others but there are others. *squints eyes* THERE ARE ALWAYS OTHERS!
How did you develop your unique pallet?
My pallet is a testament to the diversity of my life circumstances. I have a ton of friends of all ages, races and sizes. The meals that I learn about are things that I’ve picked up along the way. In a way, eating them celebrates my relationships with them. It’s weird.
Chittlings, you ever try em’? For or Against?
I became a pescetarian when I was 21 so I eat a lot of vegan, vegetarian, and seafood dishes. However, my family is from the south and prior to 21, I used to have tons of it. Even Chittling sandwiches (heavy on the hot sauce).
What was a food trend in 2015 that got played out?
Brussel sprouts and oysters. Every place that I went to served the two. I hope that either don’t get “played out” per-se but a terrible version of one of those can ruin your day.
What’s an under appreciated food stuff?
Grits. I love grits. Spinach. I love spinach.
Ronald can be seen Mondays at Side Bar Open Mic Comedy Night. 218 E Lexington St, Baltimore, MD 21202. Ronald can also be seen featuring at Camden Pub Comedy Night this Thursday Jan. 28th. No cover. 647 w Pratt St. Baltimore, MD. 8:30p. All photos courtesy of Ronald James from his account email@example.com.