Tasty Music: Chicken Box

It’s the latter half of the early Aught’s. I’m in a car with Underwater Star a.k.a Bathtub Tsunami. We’re on 83, driving 20 miles over the speed limit, listening to M.I.A coo over the sound of antique spastic drum machines and a wailing sample of fire trucks sirens so realistic, for a second, I think we’re in the way of a burning building. She tells me of a melody she’s cooking up and a hook she’s been letting percolate in her cabeza for some time, now. Usually she’s guarded with her songs, but she can trust me because I’m so real, I’m surreal. It’s a dance song called “Chicken Box”. The subject of the song is simple but it’s not a simple song. It’s foundation lies in it’s throbbing Baltimore club beat and mellifluous call to action: In this case the song’s demand is to ” Go down to the store and get me a chicken box and make sure my front door lock(ed).” As she explains the song, I immediately imagine a video concept involving action, intrigue, romance, and chicken–you know, the typical heroes journey, but with a side of ketchup and french fries. I’ve never produced a video. I’ve never filmed anything before. I’ve seen movies and I basically grew up on MTV; Kevin Smith and Purple Rain are the touchstones I rely on to help me convey a lucid story of fried food and foolin’ around. Looking back, I believe the video is about a man who just wants to have sex with his woman and get a good nap in, but there are an increasing amount of obstacles that get in the way of a simple activity. His life . . . such as life, is needlessly complicated. However, he accepts each obstacle, and deals with them head on, so he can get some head later on. This, I feel, in essence, is the meaning of life. Hit the link HERE to view the video Fried Chicken Weekly called, Yummy!!

Chicken Box a Baltimore delicacy: 4 Wings, French Fries, Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, Hot Sauce.

Crotch Fulla Jorts #5

Comedian, Nicki Fuchs, posted up with what appears to be just two fucks left to give in low rise jorts. Photo courtesy of Matt Baetz. 

Create your own visual style… let it

be unique for yourself and yet identifiable for others.

-Orson Wells

Nicki Fuchs has an invigorating retro Futurist style; equal parts Sailor Moon and Sailor Jerry. She’s psychobilly shangri-la in a city whose idea of style is wearing clothes that may or may not fit, in one tone, which could be best described as, slept in. Nicki’s a comedian who tells jokes with her entire body and uses her features as a prop from her bold expressive eyes to her trademark gap. A hard working comedian, Nicki performs 3-6 nights a week and tells thought provoking, personal, and introspective jokes but is not above getting silly or playing harmonica. This Thursday, Nicki will be a featured comedian performing at the Wings and 1 Liners Comedy Show at Camden Pub. Roll into your weekend with some quality laughs but until then check out what Nicki has to say about jorts.

When was a time where you felt like jorts saved your life?

Haha, hmm.. It probably helped at times to wear jorts. I had a few experiences where they have protected me from predators and creepy dudes trying to be creepy. Also maybe saved my life all those times I decided to go home after wearing jorts because I wanted to change out of them. Haha

Who is your comedy idol and do you think they are a jort supporter?

Joe Rogan is my comedy idol. And he honestly might be..? I know he is an avid fanny pack supporter, which to me is in the same category as jorts.. So it’s possible, but I don’t really know the dude personally to really know.

Should their be a WNBA team that plays in jorts?

No, my experience with Jorts is very restricted. I feel like you need loose fitting clothes to play basketball, Jorts could really cause injury depending on the body type.

Comedian, Nicki Fuchs, is all smiles in jorts, downtown, at the Baltimore Inner Harbor. Photo courtesy of Matt Baetz.

How would you feel if the NBA played a week in Jorts; like, what would that even be like?

Umm.. There would be a lot of sweaty crotches. Possible increase in chafing. Maybe even an increase in groin muscle pulls. But it would look cool, especially if there were matching denim vests. And the denim would have to be shiny. It might be worth it, at that point.

Have you ever seen a pair of jorts . . . On Weed?

Every time I wear a pair of jorts its been on weed, so hell yeah!

How high were those jorts?

Dude those jorts were so fucking high they were riding my damn crotch!!

What projects do you have coming up?

I’m heading to LA in August for a week of booked showcases and some open mics. Doing New York in September.. That’s about it for the moment. Other projects are on hiatus right now so I’m focusing solely on stand up.

Nicki Fuchs can be seen this Thursday at Wings and 1 Liners Comedy Show at Camden Pub 8:30pm 647 w. Pratt st. Baltimore, MD 21201. No Cover. Food and drink specials. 

Crotch Fulla Jorts #4

Sammy El, sassy in smoke gray, hand crafted jorts. His eyes say “Try Me” his finger says “Go on”. 

Samy El invented electricity…

But only between you and him. In his eyes. In the night.

-Justin Lawson Isett

 Sammy El, is a Fierce Creature in a zoo full of sleeping beasts; the fun aunt who wears pearls before six and sings poignant arias in response to some of life’s most difficult quandaries. He enhances every scene he’s in, simply by being there, and being the cinnamon superstar that he is. I had the honor of working with Sammy on an absolutely gorgeous play: Harry and the Thief. After the show my mother called to talk about how fabulous Sammy was, and how he was her favorite part of the show. This endorsement came without consolation for your poor narrator, her son. Sammy is conscious, and woke af, which means he’s always down for a good time but he ain’t dealing with none of your bullshit, which makes him a refreshing joy to be around.

How could one pull off wearing jorts to a funeral?

Wearing jorts in any situation is a lot like acting: you’ve got to make a bold choice and follow through on it. So put the “fun” in “funeral” by color coordinating your jorts with the rest of your outfit (ideally black; somebody did just die, after all). Mourning jorts should be a tasteful length (fingertip rule is a good one to follow) and have a clean, even hem. Cutoff jorts could be perceived as disrespectful to the dead, unless the dead was metal as fuck. You’re making a statement that’s like, “yeah, somebody just died, and that’s pretty sad… but like, peep these thighs, though.” Your jorts should give the funeral life.

What alcohol pairs best with Jorts?

When choosing which alcoholic beverage to pair with your jorts, remember that your unique sartorial choices distinguish you as the wild card of your social circle. No Bud Light Limes for you, my friend! Celebrate summer with a Ruby Redbird Shiner. This lightweight lager is almost as refreshing as feeling the wind on your sexy, sexy leg hairs. Plus, it’s made with tart Texas grapefruit, and as we all know, Texas is like the Mecca of jorts. Grab a shiner today!

Can you tell us a time you wore jorts and felt like you were someone else?

My first pair of jorts were cutoffs that I made myself, but I cut them way too high up so I was serving some Daisy Dukes realness. I classed it up with a nice cardigan though, so I was a really refined heaux that day. Everyone should own a pair of sexy DIY jorts. What is the question even?

Who’s more fortunate; the person seeing you in the jorts or you as the jort wearer?

As the jorts wearer, I know I’m sending a message to the universe. Especially with my distressed, paint-splattered pair of jorts. It’s almost as if I’m saying, “I’m here, I’m queer, and these jorts accentuate my pert rear.” (So pert. So pert.) Other days I’m a little more conservative with a pair of store bought jorts. I feel truly blessed as the jorts-wearer. Wearing jorts is like an exercise in body positivity. Eyes up here, fellas: I’m wearing these jorts for my damn self.

Do you have any projects coming up?

I’m working on Dial R for Robot at DC Fringe Fest. There are no jorts, but I do have to wear a pair of silver hot pants and we all know sexy robot is just a stone’s throw away from wearing jorts. That runs through July. Then I’m working on Brides of Tortuga with the Baltimore Rock Opera Society, which opens in October. What a year.

For info and tickets for Dial R for Robot follow this link: https://www.facebook.com/Dial-R-for-Robot-in-DC-Fringe-Fest-1782091592019596/. For info and tickets for Brides of Tortuga follow this link: http://baltimorerockopera.org/  follow Sammy on social media here:samygolightly@twitter; samygolightly@instagram; https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003339253918

Crotch Fulla Jorts #3

Leeland Clayton performing stand-up, while sitting down in Jorts, at Monday Night Open Mic Comedy. The Sidebar 218 E Lexington St, Baltimore, MD 21202

Today marks the 13 month anniversary of the day World Champion boxer and Money Team leader, Floyd Mayweather  Jr., wore a daring pair of acid wash cut off jorts, court side to game two of the NBA Finals, between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the eventual Finals Champion Golden State Warriors. Although, “Money” Mayweather was virtually slandered to filth on Twitter, I laud his devil-may-care approach to fashion in the age of self-conscious “who wore it best” couture. He showed up, stood out, and had the most insouciant look of anyone crowing over their popcorn in over-sized California golden yellow and Royal blue s.w.a.g. rags, swag! Mayweather doesn’t care about literacy and he certainly doesn’t give a shit how you feel about him, much like comedian, film auteur, and world traveler, Leeland Clayton. Let me be clear: Leeland does know how to read. I’ve never seen him read, but, I’m sure he knows how to, because he wears glasses, and everyone in glasses definitely knows how to read, or like, what’s the purpose of them wearing glasses?  Leeland’s style of comedy is current, culturally aware, and pulls no punches. At twenty-three he has the precocious ability to tackle sociopolitical issues like, police murdering African-Americans with full on unwavering impunity, #Blacklivesmatter, and the “N”word, all while making you think critically and laugh heartily.

When was a time you felt most powerful in jorts?  

I feel powerful anytime I wear jorts. I feel less confined, less restricted…I feel as though I can kick higher than I actually can. Also, it’s super nice to have my legs out. There’s a power in showing off your legs. I feel like a Summer King.

Have you ever made your own jorts? How would you give instructions on making the perfect pair of jorts?

I ONLY make my own jorts. The best way to get some old longs back in to rotation is to turn them in to shorts. I think the best way to make jorts would be to flip your jeans inside out and put them on. Once you are wearing your inside out jeans mark the spot where you feel comfortable cutting your jeans (use a sharpie or something like it) I generally mark the middle of my knee. Remove the jeans from your body and cut along the line that you marked. Voilà you have jorts! You can fray the ends or you can cuff em. It’s up to you.

You recently went to Ireland. How was your experience and did it change you? How?

I WAS in Ireland! It was dope as fuck! The people there were amazing the land was beautiful. I’m looking to go back soon. Artistically, being in Ireland and becoming more familiar with the issues that they have going on there definitely broadened my world view. Professionally, doors are being opened to a ton of opportunity, nothing is concrete but hopefully I’ll be back in the UK soon on business.

I have a pair of white jeans. How can I rock em’ without looking like a dingy tampon?

Personally I try to stay away from super light colored jeans, like white jeans. However if you are gonna rock some white jeans may I suggest wearing a white linen shirt like Diddy on a beach…or get em super dirty and make a statement.

Keep up with Leeland and all his flaneuring exploits by following / friending him on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/leelend.clayton