“I’m not gonna regret the past
when they bury me in
blue jeans”
-Granger Smith
I’m a pretty chill dude, who’s accepting and open to most peoples philosophical and social-political beliefs and yet it never dawned on me that there were conservative artists out there. Ever. I mean, sure, I believed that conservatives were all about the self expression–I’ve seen many a nativity scene reenactments in my formative Sunday school days– but as far back as I could remember, conservatives were always trying to shut down Hollywood and ruin fun shit like habitual drug use and casual sex for everybody. Whenever I think of a conservative artist I just think of those Kirk Cameron action Christ films and live song and dance presentations about eating fruit and flossing twice a day. A young Elizabeth Hasselbeck tap dancing in a giant tooth to a piano medley based on an old ragtime song about the joys of slavery.
It wasn’t until my mid twenties, when I started a casual engagement with the works and history of Andy Warhol, that I discovered the man who would become one of my favorite cult directors, Paul Morrissey. A self identifying “right winger” and devout Irish Catholic, Paul Morrissey made films produced by Warhol which he describes as allegories that addressed what he saw as America’s immorality and anti-Catholicism “problems”. Because these are allegories, the messages are represented by transgressive imagery such as: fornication, opiate smoking, dinner table blow jobs, long scenes of mixed gender principles in the nude, humping, rambling, shooting dope, domestic violence, and a heavily improvised existential monologue by a naked transsexual as she sodomized herself with an empty beer bottle. Kirk Cameron would not be amused. In fact, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind being left behind on this one.
In Morrissey’s films the deviants usually end up hoisted upon their own petard, but the lead up is a wild and disturbing ride on par with a weekend trapped in a West Texas sex dungeon on ketamine or a slightly–but not by much–toned down version of A Serbian Film–I really dig a Serbian Film. So when I got the call to be in a staged version of Morrissey’s tale of unchecked sexual perversion and the fear of socialism, Blood For Dracula, I was all in. When I got cast as Mario, the cantankerous estate manager and resident boy toy of the young sisters who occupy the chateau, I knew this was the fifteen minutes of fame the king of pop art promised me so long ago. The cast and director for Blood For Dracula are a small yet fierce band of superstar actors who have worked together through Annex Theater and Psychic Theater Late Night Play Series before and whom all have strong opinions on jean shorts.
Would Dracula wear jorts?
Danni: As long as he could attract young ripe babes, then yes.
How do you feel about jorts?
Marian: I find them uncomfortable; they’re wedgie inducing.
So you’re anti jorts?
No. I wore jorts as a kid.
What did they look like?
. . . Like jean shorts . . . I think they were rolled up at the bottom.
You cuffed them or they came pre-cuffed?
I think they were pre-cuffed. I used to wear them with, like, a little yellow shirt that had a little cartoon character on it.
Did it make you feel sexy?
I was way too young to feel sexy.
What makes the perfect pair of jorts?
Jacob: The perfect pair of jorts must reveal the full thigh.
When was there a time where you displayed great leadership qualities in jorts?
I was on my lawn, drinking a beer, and I told these kids to get the fuck out of my face.
So the jorts empowered you?
They did. They were cut so short the pockets were showing.
That’s a South Florida jort.
I’m from Alabama; that’s insulting to me.
What makes a great jort?
Nina: The jort needs to give you some air, you need openness. The jort needs to cinch the waist up by the belly button. Like a high rise jort.
Like a rise of the jorts?
RISE OF THE JORTS!
What are your thoughts on jean short camel toe?
It’s dangerous. You might get a yeast infection. You might get a uti. When I see someone with an ill fitting high waist jean short, I just know the irritation is strong.
The irritation is strong with this one.
I say this with love. I’ve been there.
Did Andy Warhol invent jorts?
Sarah: He might have popularized jorts. You know, Joe Dallesandro? He was in Blood For Dracula; he wore the shit out of some jean shorts.
What is the ideal jort length: knee length, crotch length, or balls deep?
Ishai: Wearing jorts is like playing the guitar, either you have them right above your belly button or right below your dick.
Psychic Readings Co’s “Late Night Theatre” is back with a stage adaptation of Paul Morrisey’s 1974 horror sexpolitation flick BLOOD FOR DRACULA! All shows are at 10pm and runs April 28-30 and May 5-7
Price is $10 OR $8 if you come with garlic or rosary beads.
To reserve, ric@psychicreadings.church
MICSMIF 
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